Don’t. Mess. With. Ricki. This was made very clear this week as Emily went all Backwoods-West Virginia-Single Mom-Hood Rat-Psycho-Nascar Fan-Human Barbie on Kalon’s bee-hind. Who would have thought that this country sweetheart had such an edge to her?

In case you missed it, here is last week’s breakdown.

I have received a lot of nice comments and messages about the breakdown. While I appreciate the compliments, they are unwarranted. I mean come on, do you people watch this show??? This crap basically writes itself.

And now a look at those that left us…

Kalon– Kalon’s comments were totally taken out of context and I’m sure he didn’t mean anything negative when he called Ricki “baggage.” I’m with him, why does that word have a negative connotation? Dictionary.com defines baggage as, “trunks, suitcases, etc., used in traveling, luggage.” You know like Louis Vuitton baggage? What is so wrong with that? It also says, “Things that encumber one’s freedom, progress, development, or adaptability; impediments.” What is so wrong about saying your daughter is an impediment that will encumber my freedom and progression. Oh wait, I hear it now. Yeah, that is actually a horrible thing to say about a child. Ok now I totally get Emily’s reaction and I take back anything positive I ever said about Kalon. Kalon went home, packed his LV suitcases and flew in his helicopter back to his life of luxury. While there isn’t much positive we can say about Kalon, I do have to give him props for being the only person that is more uninterested in Ricki than I am.

Alejandro– I don’t have anything to say about Alejandro so I’m going to show this article I found about him. Turns out he is a legit mushroom farmer and also one of BusinessWeek’s Top 25 Social entrepeneurs in America. I love that he still put mushroom farmer on his job description rather than entrepreneur or business owner. I am gonna miss that crazy mushroom farmer.

And now our weekly performance grades…

Ryan– This is something that came out of Ryan’s mouth this week: “When a girl says you’re trouble and she’s smiling, I think that means she wants to get in trouble.” On a scale from Steve Urkel to Kanye West, where does that rank on the dbag scale? Should we rename the scale from Steve Urkel to Ryan??? Ryan is literally a walking ball of cheese. How did a former arena football player become such a tool? I am tired of hearing his pick up lines and if I have to watch him spend a whole conversation telling Emily exactly what she wants to hear then I am going to throw up. Dude is smooth though, gotta give him an A this week.

Chris– Chris had a pretty uneventful week and I still hate him. He is just creepy. Every time he looks at Emily it seems like he is planning on something really weird, you know like making a bobble head doll of her. Oh wait… He doesn’t realize that he is going home in a few weeks and when he does I am expecting something crazy to happen.

Do you see how he is staring at her as she is staring off to space? That is the look of a creepy dude that probably makes bobble head dolls of girls he’s never met. Oh wait…

He did that already.

Chris gets a C this week and I’m calling for the crazy exit already.

Egg Man– Who would have thought that the guy from Mississippi would be the most excited and skilled Shakespeare actor in the group? As Egg Man said, “Shakespeare is huge in Madison, Mississippi. That’s all we do.” Really? That’s all you do? And here I was thinking people in the south can’t even read Shakespeare… My world has been flipped upside down. Black is white, night is day, and people in the south love Shakespeare. Egg Man gets a solid B+ which is good because I think acting is the only skill that he will excel at.

Arie– Arie gets an A+ for killing it as a nurse in the Shakespeare group date. And if that wasn’t enough, he also said this which would have got him an A+ on its own: “If Shakespeare were alive today and saw Ryan he would say, ‘Thouest suck.'” I also give an A+ to Arie for not snitching on Kalon when he was dissin on six-year-old girls. Despite what Emily said about him not standing up for her, being the spy for the Bachelor/Bachelorette is never a good position to get in. Arie knows this and was smart to not be the one to tell her. Arie did miss a great opportunity when Emily kicked off Kalon in front of everyone. Not to stand up for her, but he should have immediately said, “You know what Emily I can’t take this I need to tell you something. Ryan said Ricki is a boy’s name.” Emily was so deep in her Hood Rat-South Carolina-Backwoods mode (or whatever she called it), that she woulda kicked him off immediately. Totally blown opportunity for Arie, it’s the Bachelorette equivalent of this.

John– John is gone next week. You heard it here first.

Doug– Doug was the one to break the news about Kalon to Emily. He probably thought it was a good move, but he also appeared to be a little inebriated. It is never a good idea to be that guy who tells on everyone else. Emily will appreciate it at first, but when it happens again they will kick you off and say something like, “He just didn’t focus on us enough.” It is best to do what Arie did and get somebody to say something dumb, and then wait for someone else to report it to Emily. Doug gets a D this week for being a tattletale.

Sean– Sean got to eat dinner in the London Tower with Emily. Here is some info I found on Wikipedia about the London Tower being haunted:

The ghost of Anne Boleyn, beheaded in 1536 for treason against Henry VIII, allegedly haunts the chapel of St Peter ad Vincula, where she is buried, and has been said to be walking around the White Tower carrying her head under her arm. Other ghosts include Henry VI, Lady Jane Grey, Margaret Pole, and the Princes in the Tower.In January 1816, a sentry on guard outside the Jewel House claimed to have witnessed an apparition of a bear advancing towards him, and reportedly died of fright a few days later. In October 1817, a tubular, glowing apparition was claimed to have been seen in the Jewel House by the Keeper of the Crown Jewels, Edmund Lenthal Swifte. He said that the apparition hovered over the shoulder of his wife, leading her to scream. Other nameless and formless terrors have been reported, more recently, by night staff at the Tower.

Wow what a treat. Dinner in a haunted tower with a woman who is speaking like Frankenstein. Sean gets an A for not laughing at Emily’s voice while she was sick. You could see on his face that he was fighting off giggles the whole time. Way to keep it together man. (Tried to find a clip of Lindsay Bluth’s raspy voice but I couldn’t find one online. Once again I am let down by technology)

Jef with one F– Jef got the 1 on 1 date and made the most of it. Although the part with Jean was completely set up and scripted, Jef with one F handled himself pretty well the whole time. They had a pretty deep conversation in the London Eye (as deep of a conversation as you can have with a teenage boy) and it looks like Jef with one F will be sticking around for a while. Congrats to Jef with one F for maintaining focus on Emily and their conversation in the London Eye as the cameraman was a few feet away wheezing and eating Cheetos. I’m starting to think Jef with one F is starting to like like Emily. Things probably couldn’t have gone better for Jef with one F this week so he gets an A.

I have to say so far I have been very disappointed with the group dates. Remember last season with Ashley when the guys kickboxed each other? Imagine Sean and Ryan, two former football players, physically fighting each other over a single mother. ABC where you at??? Just consider this post my application for a producer position.

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