"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

In this week’s episode of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” we finally, finally, finally get to meet the mysterious, faceless Jaimee, Ryan’s girl from London. Ryan also makes out with a dolphin. Jealous and awkward moments follow.

If I asked you the question, “What is Love?” you would probably answer with “Baby, don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more,” and then we’d giggle and laugh and probably start bobbing our heads back and forth like those Night at the Roxbury guys.

Ryan Lochte wonders these same things. His only true love – the pool – is something he’d rather urinate in than spend the rest of his life with. And even if he wanted to he can only compete in the Olympics for so long. After that, even the pool will decide to part ways.

Let’s sit back and see what happens on his search as we meet the cast of episode three:

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“LOVERBOY” LOCHTE
He’s in love and doesn’t care who knows it! Jaimee visits so you know what that means: sushi![/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]

Jaimee visits Ryan Lochte from London on WWRLD.

“LONDON” JAIMEE
Visits Lochte all the way from London. Pleasantly impressed with her teeth because, England.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]

“SWEATY” MATT
Lochte’s strength coach who’s “Olympic class gym” consists of a bunch of weights in his garage.[/ezcol_1third_end]

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“PEACH FUZZ” DEVON
Thinks it’s time to shave his “beard” but has to look really close in the mirror to see it.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]

“BILLIARDS” BROS
Other members of the Lochterage play some “Lochte” pool, which is probably “drunk” pool.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]

The golf cart girl might have roofied Ryan Lochte on WWRLD.

CONNOR DWYER as himself
Ryan’s training partner and probably also a GIGANTIC bro. Has a smile that won’t quit.[/ezcol_1third_end]

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“SISTER” KRISTIN
Oh good, Kristin is in this episode. Probably won’t be a total hooch tho since Jaimee is there.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]

A group of women from Washington, D.C. ask Lochte questions about politics on WWRLD.

“NOSY” MAMA IKE
Can’t resist giving Ryan romantic advice, yet I don’t see a Mr. Lochte anywhere. Yep, sick burn.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]

“JENNY” THE DOLPHIN
Most women would consider this the “luckiest dolphin in the world” since Lochte kisses her.[/ezcol_1third_end]

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“DOLPHIN QUEEN” GINA
Jenny the Dolphin’s trainer and my vote for “Most Likely to Get Attacked by Shamu.”[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
“VEEP” GENE
Schools Ryan “Color of Money” style. Also tries to catch some wild turkeys. Fails miserably.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
“LIL'” ZAYDIN
Lochte’s little nephew and Kristin’s son, so he also probably hates all of Ryan’s girlfriends.[/ezcol_1third_end]

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he played pool with his bros?”

SUMMARY: The Lochterage gets together for a night of “Lochte” Pool, which I can assume is NO different than drunk golf. The bros tease him about his mysterious girlfriend(?), Jaimee, who’s coming to visit from London.

BEST: The Lochterage fully embraces diversity.

You gotta hand it to Ryan Lochte – the bro knows how to assemble a good entourage – even if it means his posse looks like a United Colors of Benetton photo shoot. After watching about 30 seconds of episode one, I would have fully expected all of his friends to:

A) Be a member of a fraternity, or at least lived like they were in one,
B) Wear nothing but cargo shorts and Ed Hardy t-shirts,
C) Drive a red convertible, or at least tell people they’re “going to buy one”

Seriously, check these bros out:

He’s got…

1) Euro dude: Loves wine coolers, and probably surfs & skates too. No relation to Clay Matthews, but you absolutely know the bros nicknamed him “Thor.”
2) Typical bro: This is what I expected all of Lochte’s friends to look like.
3) Athletic black guy: Wishes he could make Lochte a better basketball player.
4) Token Cuban guy: Duh, Lochte lives in Florida.
5) Funny black guy: Not afraid to wear his hat sideways and backwards.

You’re probably asking yourself “how’d Lochte get three brothas in there?” Easy. It’s because Lochtevision is colorblind. Colorblind, people.

WORST: Lochte sucks at yet another sport.

I was a little surprised at how bad he was at flag football, but not at all surprised at how incredible Lochte was at drunk golf. I thought he’d do better at billiards since “Lochte Pool” sounds like such a bro sport, but not with horrible shots like this one:

All Gene and white bro can do is smile and high-five. Way to go, Gene.

WORST: He kind of sells Jaimee down the river.

Devon casually mentions that Jaimee – Lochte’s long-time, kind-of, maybe girlfriend – is coming to visit from England. Instead of saying how excited he is to see her, or how great she is, Lochte says this:

“We hang out for a week, and then she disappears, and then we’re back to friendzone. This whole thing between us has been going on for 3-4 years.”

Let’s get one thing straight: people don’t “disappear” unless they’re a ghost, kidnapped, or part of a magic act. When Jaimee comes to stay, you pick her up at the airport, and then when the week is over, you drive her back to the airport. She doesn’t leave in the middle of the night or vanish into thin air. There’s no ransom note to come find her. She simply flies home. He makes it sound like she abandons him…every year for the past 4 years.

Elizabeth Smart disappeared. Jaimee traveled on a plane back to England and you know EXACTLY where she is. Two different things.

Lochte, you better hope the BBC channel doesn’t show reruns of your show in England, because if Jaimee heard you say that you’d be lucky to even be in the “friendzone” with her.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if Jaimee came to visit?”

SUMMARY: We finally meet Jaimee, who Lochte doesn’t pick up from the airport because, of course he doesn’t. After a hug, she disses his bachelor pad and says it needs a feminine touch.

WORST: These three things Lochte says about Jaimee…

“I met Jaimee in Vegas.”

Starting off your relationship at the blackjack table at the Palms usually never ends well.

“She had no idea who I was.”

Dude, Lochte, not EVERYONE knows who you are. You’re not Michael Jordan or Justin Bieber where you can’t set foot outside your door without being mobbed. In fact, here’s what most people would say if they saw you in public: “Who is that gigantic d-bag doing body shots off those college chicks?” Only about 3% of the population would ever say: “Hey, isn’t that the swimmer guy from the Olympics? No, not Phelps…the other one.”

“Jaimee DOES exist. She’s not fake. She’s real.”

Sweet jab at Manti Te’o, even though that joke is like four months old. Nice one, Lochte.

BEST: For a Brit, Jaimee has amazing teeth.

WORST: Lochte watches “slow-motion movies.”

Upon opening the door to greet Jaimee, Ryan says it reminds him of those “slow-motion” movies where you “open the door and the wind is blowing through their hair with doves flying by.” I’m not sure what slow-motion movie is his favorite, unless he just watches “What Women Want” on half speed.

BEST: Jaimee’s British accent gives Lochte more credibility.

Jaimee is a happy medium between those “super smart” Washington, D.C. chicks and that Megan girl who didn’t know what a won-ton was. Plus, her accent almost makes Lochte seem smarter for some reason, unlike some other American/British couples I know:

WORST: Lochte’s basic needs.

Ryan defends the simplicity of his bachelor pad to Jaimee, but she can’t get over how bare the walls are. Loche hears the word “bare” and decides to lead Jaimee upstairs for a “tour.” He points out the one piece of artwork he owns – an Absolut vodka poster. Those Lochtes are high-society.

Ryan points out that he only needs a four things in life, two of which are pieces of furniture, and the other two are appliances. He DOES NOT need shelter, water, air, energy or food. Well, he does say his “Fridgerator” is full, so I guess that counts.

Also, I can’t belive it took E! three episodes to finally show this:

Now I finally know what “TURNNNN IT UP!” means.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…for his Olympic training?”

SUMMARY: Lochte gives us a sampling of his exercise routine for an upcoming meet, which basically amounts to a crapload of swimming and weightlifting. His strength trainer Matt is very suspect and also kinda fat.

BEST: No wonder Lochte goes out and slams shots every night.

He starts each day with two-hours of swimming for a “warm-up” followed by another three hours of weight and cardio training. Meanwhile, I get pissed when I can’t find the TV remote and have to get up to change the channel.

WORST: This is not where I pictured Olympic champions training.

I always assume at least three things about every Olympic athlete:

1) They, or their parents, or both are obsessive and crazy, because…
2) Time and money are no objects, and therefore…
3) They train at the best facilities in the world.

So imagine my jaw dropping when Lochte strolls up to his strength trainer Matt Delancey’s house. No, this is not a “world class facility” people, this is someone’s garage in a slightly above Shantytown level neighborhood:

Seriously, this is just like Rocky 4. The Russian guy Drago gets all the top-notch equipment with all the fancy wires hooked up to him to monitor his body, while Rocky has to do pull-ups in an abandoned barn and carry a log around in the middle of a snow storm. Lochte is Rocky.

Can you imagine what Lochte would be capable of if he had Drago’s training? He’d just look over at the other swimmers and be like “I must break you” instead saying “JEAH! JEAH! JEAH! Let’s race!” like an idiot.

I so hate you now, Russia.

WORST-ER: Matt is a man at night, but not a man in the morning.

We excuse Lochte’s alcohol-induced bar-hopping binges because he absolutely brings it the next morning during his 8-hour workouts.

Well, his strength trainer Matt has no problem with the binge part, but has yet to master the purge portion. And by “purge” I mean regular exercise. Look at him, how can he be taken seriously as a trainer when he looks like one of those big, fat P.E. teachers that just yells at all the high school kids to “KEEP RUNNING!”

WORST-EST: Matt sweats more than Lochte does…

…and he’s not even working out.

In the background you see Lochte at the END of his 3-hour workout, taking a casual 5-minute cool down on the exercise bike. He has a nice V-shaped sweat pool on the front of his tank top – as expected. Then there’s Matt. His shirt is almost COMPLETELY soaked in sweat. No seriously, his man-boobs are so drenched it looks like he just won the Daytona Beach wet t-shirt contest.

WORST: Your tax dollars at work.

Part of Lochte’s crazy town workout is to drag a 500-lb. chain 60 feet down the road.

Which is great, but it totally scratches the crap out of the road. It looks like Wolverine was training for the Olympics. Seriously, who’s going to pay for the thousands of dollars it’s going to take to resurface that thing?

Oh, I forgot Lochte’s made $5 million off the word “JEAH!”

Carry on.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…on a date with Jaimee?”

SUMMARY: Ryan finally gets a night off from training and swim meets to take Jaimee out on the town. They talk about life, love and full body shaving.

WORST: “Same place. Same table. Different girl.”

“No, he didn’t!” exclaims the audience. Oh yes, he did. In true bro fashion, Lochte actually takes Jaimee to the same sushi place that he takes ALL of his dates to – the Dragonfly. He gives her flowers and a nice card to make it “special.”

BEST: Lochte just made up a new word.

Apparently Jaimee is not fully fluent in Lochtese, because she mistakes a heart at the end of his love note for the fictitious word “MUAH.”

Don’t worry, Lochte has already filed a patent.

BEST: Nothing is off limits.

Jaimee insists on talking about Ryan’s pre-race shaving routine, which consists of de-hairing his entire body with a razor.

WORST: Ouch!

Lochte shaves his junk with a razor. And no, I don’t care if it’s gold-plated or whatever. That is an awful idea.

Does he shave his head? No, because it’s under a swim cap. Then why does he shave his business? It’s under a swimsuit. This defies all logic.

BEST: Lochte is the P. Diddy of the shaving community.

Ryan actually owns a set of custom, gold-handled razors. Behold, Excalibur!

I love how “Won’t Nick Junk” is one of the features.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he swam in the Orlando Grand Prix?”

SUMMARY: Lochte and Jaimee meet his family for the Orlando Grand Prix, a warm-up meet for the swimming season and championships. In other words, Ryan could CARE LESS about these races.

BEST: Lochte will sign ANYTHING.

Even french fries.

WORST: The most obvious question in the entire world is asked.

Oh Lochte, you coy fox.

WORST: “I’ve never had this much on my plate…EVER.”

Lochte is nervous because his family and Jaimee are there to watch him race at the Orlando Grand Prix, while being filmed by the E! cameras for his reality show. Somehow this is WAAAAAAAY more stressful than his family and Jaimee watching him swim…at the Olympics…in front of cameras that are broadcasting to millions of people around the world.

BEST: Conor Dwyer – Olympic Gold Medalist and Urine Expert.

Conor Dwyer (Lochte’s training partner) estimates that at least half the pool is covered in Lochte’s urine, and looks ADORABLE saying it.

BEST: Even at his worst, Lochte is still the best.

Ryan swims like garbage, yet still easily wins a race he doesn’t even care about.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he visited Discovery Cove in Orlando?”

SUMMARY: Ryan, Jaimee and family take a break to go swim with the dolphins. An unexpected romance ensues.

WORST: Lochte spreads flattering rumors about himself.

I am wondering which “people” are saying that Ryan is the “fastest human being in the water” since he is not a sprinter. That would be Cullen Jones or Nathan Adrian. Yet, this was his reason for wanting to swim with the dolphins – to swim with someone that was faster than him.

WORST: Lochte freaks out like a chick.

“Jenny” the Dolphin does a drive-by on Lochte and makes him scream in terror like a 10-yr. old girl.

BEST: Lochte totally hooks up with a dolphin.

He must have winked at her or offered to buy her dinner, although sushi might be a little awkward.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he made dinner for Jaimee?”

SUMMARY: Ryan gives in to his family’s badgering and decides to make a nice, home-cooked dinner for Jaimee. SPOILER ALERT: he sucks at cooking.

WORST: Lochte doesn’t know what century we are in.

This absolutely explains why his favorite movies are all over 15 years old, and why he still needs his mom to dress him. Lochte was frozen in time around 1998.

Ryan insists that he’s a modern man, and should have people to cook for him.

WORST: “I’m going to make my favorite…pizza.”

…is what a 12-year old boy would say to his date, not a grown man. Nevertheless, this is what Lochte decides to make for his special dinner with Jaimee on their last night together. He follows this with “this is my 2nd time ever cooking.”

BEST: He calls a local pizza place for advice on how to cook a pizza.

The best part is when they answer the phone: “Hey buddy, it’s Ryan.” Oh man, you know local pizza place is at least #3 on his speed dial.

BEST: Jaimee is basically “Jim” from the Office.

No seriously, she looks like she just pulled an awesome prank on Dwight:

BEST: “Goodbye forever, or goodbye for now.”

Lochte drops Jaimee off at the airport…errr, I mean Jaimee “disappears” again back to London.

WORST: Lochte decides to go back to his REAL relationship…

…back to the pool. And it’s there…waiting…for him to pee on.

In the next episode of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Ryan tries to hook up with a black chick named Chantae, and I’m sure there will be at least 5-6 times where you’ll think “he DID NOT just say that!”

JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!