You know what’s trickier, for women, than dating multiple men at the same time?…meeting their families. Can you imagine the pressure and emotional toll it takes to put on a happy face as you are paraded in front of families, knowing that you will be dumping one of the men in just a few short days? But Desiree, chooses to ignore her womanly impulses of emotional attachment and sensitivity and heads off to meet the men on their turf and in their family home. Yep, it’s the Hometown Date edition of the Bachelorette Breakdown, as this is one of my favorite series to watch on TV, and I even got an outdoor tv mount to watch it in the garden.This is the week where it gets “real” for the lead and her suitors. I mean, women aren’t really built for this kind of thing, we are way too emotional and sensitive to be hanging out with multiple families that “love us”, knowing full well that we will be possibly breaking one of these “great guys” heart and subsequently the hearts of his family.

Before the hometown dates the woman can try and stay detached from those men that she knows will not last, keeping the heartbreak and awkwardness to a minimum. But you start to bring in clingy sisters, handsy fathers, and overly emotional mothers and it’s a whole new ballgame. Cause lets face it, the leads always know which one of the four is not making it past this round right?…and yet they’re stuck having to be polite, laughing at the families lame jokes, and “crying” at any emotional talks you may have with the family members. Thus, leading the suitor and his family into believing that she is with him on this love train.

Sure, some families are cooler and funner than others, while some may be creepy or aggressive, but I can’t imagine that any of the past bachelors or bachelorettes had someone in mind as their “winner”, but upon meeting the family said, “Nope, they’re going home next.” If this does in fact happen, then I must rethink my reasons for still being single, and start blaming my family instead of my own personality.

“If you think I’m crazy, wait ’til you meet my family”

The Bachelorette kicked off hometowns this week in Dallas, TX with Zak with a K and his family. Zak put Desiree to the test from the very beginning by making her work in the family Sno cone truck which just so happened to be the coolest Sno cone truck in the world. Seriously, I consider myself a Sno cone connoisseur of sorts, and I have never found the perfect sno to syrup ratio that hasn’t created either a soupy syrup mess or worse, a plain white ice patch at the bottom of the cup. A self-syrup Sno Cone truck rivals the genius of the hot tug. In fact, if we could make an invention that combines the coolest and efficiency of the self-syrup sno cone station with the relaxation and warmth of the hot tug, the world would…nevermind, I don’t think we could handle that much awesomeness.

Zak had a winner with the self syrup sno cone idea, but I just wish he would have owned a stand or hut instead of a truck. I’m not quite sure that heading out to a local elementary school in a food truck and dressing as a freakish stuffed penguin was the best way to show Des your “spontaneous side” cause to me, it would have put out a “I’m on sex offender list side”. I mean, I don’t know about Sno Cone trucks, but Ice cream trucks kind of lost their good reputation back in the 80’s, so forgive me if I seem a little hesitant to let any child I know rush out to cuddle with the Sno Cone penguin.

After Zak was done proving he can be one wild and crazy guy, they headed over to meet the parents, and thankfully half-naked introductions don’t run in the family. His family seemed rather cool and super friendly, and for a second I thought Zak had a chance. I mean…When meeting the family starts like this:

is filled with this:

zdsng

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and ends with Zak buying her a ring.

What could possibly go wrong?!?

Oh yeah, the girl has to actually love you. Poor Zak, apparently Des was lying to Zak’s sister when she said that although they had started in the “friend zone” they had found a way out of it. Or maybe what Des meant was that they had found their way out of the “friend zone” and into the “I loved you and you broke my heart on national television, so I will hate you until the day I die zone”. Yeah, that’s probably what she meant. See, like I said, visits with the family really complicate things.

“Have You Ever Met An Angel?”

After Des left Zak in Texas, thinking he had found “the one”, she meets up with Drew and his pastel button up shirt for a visit with the family. But first they make out…a lot. Des was not lying when she said she liked kissing Drew. I hate watching people kiss, so I thought this was the epic of awkwardness for the day…but I was wrong.

After they got done kissing, or perhaps just needed a chapstick break, they headed over to pick up Drew’s mentally challenged sister Melissa. Melissa is pretty much non communicating, and unable to take care of herself, so she lives in a home with other challenged girls, and although it was kind of adorbs watching Drew with his sister, I couldn’t help but feel super uncomfortable for Desiree as she tried to communicate with a stranger who was literally grabbing at her hair, drooling, and grunting inaudibly.

When Des muttered “she has your….eyes”, it just seemed forced and super awkward and I’m glad the visit didn’t last much longer.

Des got to meet the rest of family, and while nothing super exciting happened, they seemed like nice people. Although, I can’t quite figure out where Drew got his looks from, cause he seemed to be the shining star in that group. While Drew was having his heart to heart with his mom, where he confesses his love for Desiree and his mom tries to hide her shock that he may be heterosexua

Des was stuck having one of the world’s most “trying to be tender, but just feels uncomfortable” talks with Drew’s dad. Here is my recap:

Dad: “do you believe in angels?”

Des: “yes”

Dad: “have you ever met one?”

Des: “no…..

Dad: cutting her off “yes you have – Melissa.”

Des: “aww…..”

Um, what would he have said if she said she didn’t believe in angels?

“This might seem a little weird…”

Chris kicked his date off with a little baseball at his old little league field. It was all playful and romantic and looked like the perfect date…if your perfect date included having to prove your sporty side instead of your “I don’t like to sweat or get dirty side”. They were cute and cuddly, and of course Des wasn’t stingy with the kisses. Yep, it was a great day…until they had to go to dinner with Chris’ family. Now this could be editing, but it looked like as soon as they sat down to dinner, Chris’ dad was like, “Alright Des, come with me and let me feel you up, er I mean, fix your alignment.” Des did your parents not ever teach you to stay away from strangers and their “home offices”?

“Laying down face first with my butt in the air with Chris’ dad who I just met massaging my back — it’s not weird at all!”

To be fair, Des was just trying to fit in with the family and make them like her so of course she went along with it, but what was Chris’ excuse? I mean, Chris went downstairs to make sure his dad wasn’t “completely embarrassing him” and then proceeds to let his dad put a balloon up his nose so all of the world can see his nasal cavity. Why would he let them film him getting a nose alignment when he knew exactly what it would like like? You were right, Chris it did “seem a little weird” to all of America, and it’s not just your dad who is making an embarrassment out of you.

I was raised to be cautious of Chiropractors, and this hometown date solidified that lesson. Thank you mom and dad for choosing to embarrass me in other ways, and for keeping any alignment issues I may have completely hidden from the world and all potential suitors.

“Brooks Takes the Driver’s Seat”

Brooks and Des met up in a park and she was armed and ready with a list of all their best moments that helped remind Brooks that he was kinda into this girl. Yes, seven weeks into their relationship Brooks needs a refresher on why he should stick around. That must be very comforting, Des. I think you two have what it takes to go far.

Brooks took Desiree on a canoe and proved they are exactly as romantic as I have always thought they were. I guess they are possibly ~~running~~ ~~jogging~~ prancing towards love…..?

P.S. How did they take on that much water and keep their clothes dry? Sometimes this show just doesn’t make any sense. I half expected the two to fall in the water completely thus recreating the drowning scene from Titanic, except this time Brooks would have let Des drown, and although he would have pledged “I”ll never let go”, he would have quickly rebounded with a hot chick running in the park.

Then it was time to meet the family. Brooks, by far, had the hugest family, which isn’t shocking coming out of Utah, but I was a little disappointed that they weren’t a little more conservative or mildly concerned for their family member. Couldn’t at least one family be crazy and hate her? I mean, can all the them really think she is the perfect girl for him? I guess so, because upon first meeting we get a bunch siblings and in-laws who bear hug the crap out of her and continue the love fest throughout the whole night.

Des loves Brooks, and yet Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t pledged his love for her. Way to keep it close to the vest Brooks. I applaud your game play. Even as he was talking with his brothers and they asked him questions like “do you think you can make her happy for the rest of your life?” and he answers with a “good question”, you can sense that Brooks isn’t exactly into this whole thing, and I wonder if it’s just a matter of time before he leaves Des hanging.

“He’s back……”

Before Des can make her decision on which guy to let go (as if that decision wasn’t made like weeks ago), she needs to meet with someone very important…her brother. Um what? Last I remember you were giving an interview about how you and your brother aren’t close and have very different opinions about things, so why would she feel the need to have her brother come see her. Oh ratings! That’s right. Turns out Nate is still the d bag that is was on Sean’s season, so we are left with little drama (I was hoping for a confrontation with the men), and instead just hoping he would leave and never return.

And now, we say goodbye to:

Zak with a K

Grade: F

I hate to say it, but Zak with a K completely won me over with his hometown date. His family was so nice, and their ashamed reactions to his shirtless introduction were enough to convince me that they are pretty normal people. Zak’s only mistakes were 1) having his brother and sister serenade Desiree. (Sure, the were pretty good singers, but it will always be an incredibly uncomfortable for the recipient of the serenade. Always.) and 2) not being as good looking as Drew.

At least Des gave Zak back his ring…which he threw out the limo window on his way back to naked oil drilling. I can only imagine what the lyrics will be to the song he writes about this experience….I hoping it’s something similar to “Somebody Kill Me” from the Wedding Singer.

And now for the final three Bachelors:

Chris

Grade: A

Is anyone else surprised that Chris turned out to be the most athletic of the group? I mean come on, we all saw this:

Is that how you made it to the pros Chris? Because if so, I think I may just have a future in baseball!

That being said, I think that this was Chris and Des’ best date yet and I bet you can guess why: there was not a poem in sight! I didn’t think it would ever happen, but it did and I could not have been more thrilled.

Drew

Grade: A

This week Drew finally dropped the ‘L’ bomb and it basically went like this:

elf: i love you!!!

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Des’ response is to make out with him so hard that he wasn’t even able to finish his thought. While movies would have us believe that this is a romantic response to those three magic words; “The Bachelorette” has taught us time and time again that it is really just a silencing technique. Knowledge is power. Don’t let it happen to you.

Brooks

Grade: A

Before the rose ceremony, Des told host Chris Harrison that she was in love with Brooks and was hoping for a proposal from him. So can this show just be over then? I mean at this point, the only way Brooks will lose this competition… is if he decided to lose…..wait, hold up… am I a terrible person for hoping that he does just that? Has someone ever denied a rose? Oh man, this is gonna be good. #dontjudge #iliveforthedrama