Our Bachelor Juan Pablo has spent the last three weeks trying to find love in other countries. However, nothing will compare to the love he has for his home country, Venezuela, the site of recent protest, violence and even death. Now he returns to his new hometown of Miami, and the fighting there has just begun.

“Bienvenido a Miami”

After three weeks of trying to speak English in countries that don’t really speak English, Juan Pablo can’t wait to be back in Miami to “surprise” his daughter, Ca-MEE-la, even though the cameras are already there filming her coloring with grandpa. He doesn’t waste any time by doing what Juan Pablo does best: giving his favorite girl plenty of besos, and then taking his shirt off for a dip in the pool.

Ok, so at least he’s not being fake on his dates.

Juan Pablo cannot wait to get to get some love advice from his cousin and BFF, Rodolfo, and also tell him about all the girls he’s kissed. However, it’s probably not very appropriate to talk about those type of things with a fourth-grader who JUST got braces.

I’m not sure how much help young Rodolfo was going to be in the romance department anyway. He probably only wanted to tell Juan Pablo about what he did at summer camp or who he thinks the best Ninja Turtle is.

Regardless, Juan Pablo can’t stop talking about Sharleen, who he thinks may be “the one” since she’s “classy, sexy…” and most importantly, an “Oprah singer.”

I just hope the fat lady hasn’t already sung. **SPOILER ALERT** She has.

Ok Miami…whatcha got?

“I’m Outta This Joynt” (Pun Intended)

Tensions are high in their penthouse suite where all the girls await the next date card. This time it’s presented IN PERSON by Juan Pablo, who basically throws it at Sharleen: “Here, thays is yours.”

Sharleen acts like she’s just been handed an envelope filled with anthrax.

“Come Sea my City” is the date clue, even though Miami resides on an ocean. Sharleen can’t wait to spend the day in Miami, but feels flustered when she’s told she only has ten minutes to get ready. TEN MINUTES? He’s obviously never read any of these girls’ ABC casting profiles:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY FOR A BIG NIGHT?

Christine: “As much time as I am given plus a few extra minutes.”
Christy: “One hour and 20 minutes.”
Clare: “One hour – no more than that.”
Danielle: “30 minutes.”
Elise: “One hour.”
Kat: “An hour.”
Kelly: “An hour and a half.”
Kylie: “1.5 hours. 45 minutes if necessary.”
Lucy: “With clothes, or without?” (probably)

Even Danielle – who clocked in at a low 30 minutes – still would have NO chance at making this date with Juan Pablo, and that’s even without straightening her hair. If he believes Sharleen can do it then he’s just as gullible as women who believe there’s only “five minutes left” in a football game that’s tied in the fourth quarter.

Sharleen was in such a hurry that she still had enough time to stand on the deck and reflect on her relationship with Juan Pablo.

Bro, you’re going to be waiting awhile.

One of her main issues is that she’s missing a “cerebral connection” with Juan Pablo, which is a fancier way to say that he doesn’t have much going on upstairs. It’s also a word he would never be able to pronounce or understand, so it’s sort of not an insult.

The girls wonder about Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s connection with each other since she normally goes for “intellectual, nerdy types,” which is yet another “nice” way of saying he’s a buffoon. Chelsie can’t figure out what they have in common, Clare sees Sharleen as a mysterious anomaly, and Nikki doesn’t know how they can be together since she travels all the time and he has a daughter.

“What is Sharleen?” – Clare, referring to her as an object

This sounds like one happening jealous party.

Sharleen’s conflict reminds of me of Lindsay’s situation on that TV show Freaks and Geeks. Does she go for the bad boy, Daniel and be friends with the popular stoner crowd? Or, does she join the Mathletes with her nerdy friend, Sarah? I’m thinking Sharleen may have had her fill of kissing her “James Franco,” and believe me…he would have no problem kissing himself for awhile. (Not sure why I dissed Franco there, but deal with it).

And speaking of kissing, their date consisted of a day long yacht ride on a bed of pillows. This wasn’t exactly Sharleen’s plan, but she couldn’t resist his mesmerizing eyes and how he situated the pillows into a comfy make-out lair.

“You’re trouble. You know by now. You must look in the mirror and say ‘I’m trouble’.” – Sharleen, coming up for air

“Don’t worry about it. Just look at me.” – Juan Pablo, doing a great job of avoiding conversation

Sharleen experiences a déjà vu moment because that’s exactly what Juan Pablo says to her before every kissing session, but this is like the fourth time it’s happened so it’s more like a “deja cuatro” moment. Juan Pablo senses something different about Sharleen’s kissing technique.

“Is that a Canadian kiss, or a German kiss?” – Juan Pablo, coming up for air

Silly Juan Pablo.

This is a Canadian kiss:

And, THIS is a German kiss:

Believe me, J.P. You’d know the difference.

It’s interesting that Juan Pablo was so strict with Clare about his “Camila kissing rules” almost 10,000 miles away in Vietnam, but he could give a flying rat’s ass about the rules when he’s only minutes away from his daughter in Miami. I hate to break it to you, Juan, but all of the footage is still going to be on television.

Perhaps he felt better about ignoring the rules since he technically wasn’t “breaking” them. For instance, instead of being nearly naked at 4:00am in the ocean, he’s fully clothed at 1:00pm just OVER the ocean in a yacht. HASHTAG loopholes.

And the award for the person who had the worst time on the date goes to the captain, who probably had to watch them kiss for about eight solid hours. You couldn’t put the pillow bed in the BACK of the yacht, bro?

Juan Pablo reveals that he likes all the big words Sharleen uses, even though he often doesn’t understand what they mean. This information would come in extremely handy if they ever married and he had to sign a pre-nup.

“You’re good at not trying to impress me, and you impress me.” – Juan Pablo, being all insightful

Sharleen wishes she were more on his comprehension level:

“I wish a was a little dumber so I could be like ‘duhhhhhh’.” – Sharleen, hating that she’s smart

It’s like at the end of Grease when Sandy and Danny Zucko try to change for the other person so they can be together. Sandy finally chooses to dress in black, start smoking, and become a Pink Lady, while Danny ditches his leather jacket to become a preppy kid with a letterman’s sweater. Yeah, everyone cheered when they sang “You’re the One That I Want” and rode off in a flying hot rod together, but in a large sense they both failed to remain true to themselves.

Similarly, Juan Pablo wants what he can’t ever become – an intellectual, “hipster” type that can speak using big words – and Sharleen tries to resist “dumbing herself down” and not turn into someone who just takes selfies in the mirror all day.

To make sense of everything, Sharleen seeks the counsel of her mom, Renee back at the luxury suite. The bathroom was occupied, so unfortunately they had to talk on the deck. Sharleen needs more time to sort out her feelings for Juan Pablo and doesn’t want to “take a spot” from someone who is sure. Renee thinks that time is irrelevant, but also knows that Sharleen is one of the frontrunners so she gives some less-than-Renee advice.

“Think about what you’d regret. It would haunt you forever.” – Renee, secretly hoping that Sharleen risks having regret

In the end, their differences proved to be too much for Sharleen. Aware that she could be making a huge mistake, she knocks on Juan Pablo’s hotel door later that night. I’m sure his initial thought was “Ayyyyyy, I already showed her the ocean!!!” but it didn’t take long for the tears to flow and those words to leave Sharleen’s lips: “Goodbye, sir.”

Since kissing Sharleen was probably out of the question, Juan Pablo couldn’t resist another face-mangling session that included a lot of tear smudging, cheek caressing, hair stroking and snot wiping – basically everything a mom would do to her three-year old after the kid finished throwing a fit.

However, the most disappointing thing about Sharleen’s goodbye was seeing ABC using subtitles whenever she spoke. Where were those all season for Juan Pablo?

Juan Pablo revealed that she was going to get a rose, thus preserving Renee for at least another week. However, he was grateful for her honesty and probably REALLY happy he got to kiss her literally all day.

“I’d rather not being appreciated and being honest, than not being appreciated and being honest.” – Juan Pablo, quoting an ancient Venezuelan proverb (probably)

Farewell, female Brooks. Thank you for being our beautiful, tortured soul.

“The. Worst.”

We’ve poked fun at the many dates this season where it seems like all Juan Pablo and the girls do is walk around and do random things that they try and pass off as being “cultural.” There’s nothing like hearing Juan Pablo scream “Ayyyy, let’s sing some karaoke and then get lemonade!!!! You know…things you can’t do in America!!!!” while they wander the streets of Seoul, Korea. Just because you eat at a Taco Bell in Vietnam doesn’t make it a “cultural experience.” It just means you traveled halfway around the world to have explosive diarrhea.

That being said, many of the more elaborate date ideas have their own set of issues. For example, throwing a sweet, happy-go-lucky Chelsie off a bridge or driving a giggling Cassandra into the ocean aren’t “real” things you would do to a girl on your first date. Those are things you would do to someone you wanted to murder.

So it’s no wonder why Nikki expects the worst upon reading the clue for her next date with Juan Pablo.

“‘Listen to my heart beat???’ Am I going to have to dance again?” – Nikki, terrified because she sucks at dancing

Nikki explains that she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo, but she’s waiting to tell him when it’s the right time. And trust me…now is NOT the right time. Juan Pablo’s about to reveal the plans for their date, and **SPOILER ALERT** it’s a suckfest.

He’s taking her to Camila’s dance recital.

First of all, there are few worse things than going to your daughter’s dance recital. Yes, the three minutes where she performs are great, but what are you supposed to do during the other hour and 57 minutes besides slit your wrists? It’s horrible.

Second, there’s NOTHING worse than going to the dance recital of someone you don’t know. Oh man, seriously…take me outside during intermission and totally kill me. And play Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz” when you do it. It’s the ultimate awful dance recital jam.

Third, not only does Nikki have to watch Camila’s recital with her “boyfriend” (her words…not mine), but she also gets to meet his parents AND his ex-girlfriend, Carla. I bet she’s glad she wore those Daisy Duke jorts and a low-cut white v-neck, but it’s not like her or Carla are there to judge each other, right?

Hahahahaha, oh man I bet Nikki wished she were still repelling down that Hell cave.

“I’m speechless mind blown right now” – Nikki, still terrified.

Nikki’s heart “melted” during Camila’s performance and Juan Pablo acted like he was watching a Broadway show, but nothing was better than watching Carla’s “stage mom” face.

Camila seemed less than excited to see Nikki at first, and gave Juan Pablo a “oh, another whore, dad?” look. However, it didn’t take her long to warm up. Juan Pablo’s dad asked Nikki what her name was again (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree), and also how everything is going. Nikki “couldn’t ask for anything better,” because there’s nothing more enjoyable than sharing your boyfriend with five other girls.

Since they’re in Miami, Juan Pablo drives Nikki to Marlins Park baseball stadium – or as he calls it – “my office.”

For those who don’t know, Juan Pablo DOES NOT play professional baseball. He is a sports and entertainment consultant, and he collects memorabilia for one of his biggest clients, the Venezuelan Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum. However, if he did play baseball he would probably be the greatest player of all time since he always at least makes it to second base. HEY-YO!

I would have given anything to own his rookie card.

The entire stadium is empty – which is nothing unusual for the Marlins – so they start off with a friendly game of catch. Juan Pablo quickly gets bored and decides he’d rather kiss Nikki instead. She obliges, but is concerned about his past relationship with Carla.

What Nikki SHOULD HAVE been concerned with is why she’s choosing to walk around a disgusting baseball stadium without any shoes on.

Juan Pablo urges her not to sweat it, but he should probably take his own advice. His back looked like he just had a Gatorade bath.

In the end, it sounds like Nikki is fully prepared to settle down.

“Family is number one in my book.” – Nikki

And number two is beating Clare.

“Chick Fight? Chick Fight!”

There was a lot on the line for the final group date. She who gets the rose continues on to the hometown dates and also spends the rest of the day with Juan Pablo…alone. It’s no wonder that everyone was on edge when they arrived at their private island via sea plane for yes, another picnic.

Chelsie shows him some of the letters from her family. Her mom warned against excessive drinking, nudity, and most importantly, gum chewing, while her dad encouraged Chelsie to do the opposite. It was a special moment. I only wish she read a letter from some uncle who said to “never date foreigners or guys with kids because they come with baggage.” That would have been a less special moment.

Andi takes a stroll with Juan Pablo on the beach, but she quickly breaks down emotionally.  She doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, but she’s accepted it and is ready to put herself out there even though she has so many uncertain— “Shhhhhhhhh. Let me make it better,” says Juan Pablo, and cures her doubts with a barrage of kisses.

I’m just thankful Juan Pablo isn’t a doctor. He would probably prescribe the same medicine to all of his patients.

Clare keeps talking about her father who passed away and that she’s the young—

Now’s where things start to get real.

In a shocking twist, Andi received the group date rose, which sent Clare into a tail spin (Get it? Because they’re riding in a plane).

Her smile looked the same as a twelve-year boy’s during school pictures: fake and forced.

“I deserve something amazing and wonderful. I’ve just had to watch everyone go on their dates. People that get the roses are the ones doubting themselves and they’re not here for him.” – Clare, on the beginning of a rampage

And it didn’t help to see Juan Pablo waving to them from the ocean as they flew back to the hotel. Dude, Andi’s ducking in the water for a reason. It’s because they all hate you right now.

“Let’s wrap this sh** up and go f***ing home. What the f*** am I doing here?” – Clare, escalating her rampage.

Clare is clearly disappointed since she was caught her off guard. If they were having open casting calls for the next Avengers movie she would easily grab the role of the Hulk.

“On the upside, we get to hang out with Nikki. I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jellyfish.” – Clare, now currently fully rampaging.

Nikki is surprised to find the other girls back at the hotel, but couldn’t wait to take a jab at a wounded Clare. After saying she looked “checked out,” Clare fired back, insinuating that the only reason people get group date roses is because they “need reassurance.” Nikki storms out because she doesn’t like it when people talk smack about her boyfriend. Clare is sick of Nikki “getting away with being a b****” and follows her upstairs.

I could recap the entire argument, but it’s much more entertaining to hear Questlove and Tariq from The Roots reenact it on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon:

My only complaint is WHERE WAS THIS THREE WEEKS AGO!? I wouldn’t have had to waste my time teasing Juan Pablo about his broken English.

If you can find a better matchup than these two women I dare you. A spoiled, self-centered girl who loves to complain vs. a semi- to full-crazy chick who was the youngest of six girls????

Seriously, these two could EASILY main event the next Wrestlemania.

On paper, Nikki would win the fight, simply because she has more tattoos.

“There have been times when I didn’t get a rose – very few – and I didn’t act like that. Clare’s like a dog. She peed on him first. She claimed some territory that might not be hers.” – Nikki, backing up her boyfriend.

This was fantastic.

“Enjoy The Silence”

Outside of Kylie mishearing her name being called during the first rose ceremony, this was BY FAR the best one of the season. It was basically a continuation of Clare and Nikki’s battle from the hotel. Oh man, if this feud continues the way it’s going they could definitely wrestle each other again at Summerslam.

“She didn’t get crazy all on her own. It had to come from somewhere.” – Nikki, blaming Clare’s crazy on her crazy family

Nikki might have the better insults, but they only make her come off as a more horrible person than we already knew she was. If Nikki ends up with Juan Pablo, what is he going to be more embarrassed for his daughter to see: that he kissed her a lot, or that she acts like a spoiled brat?

These girls obviously needed a time out, and what followed was probably one of the greatest moments in television history:

Juan Pablo still hasn’t picked up on why it’s so quiet every time he goes to sit down with all the girls, which is surprising because he’s never been one to shy away from zero conversation.

In the end, it was dear, sweet Chelsie playing the part of the sacrificial lamb, but at this point is there anyone left who really, truly WANTS to be with Juan Pablo besides Clare and Nikki?

Or are they more interested in just beating each other?

Here are the Bachelorettes that said “adiós” to us:

Chelsie

Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH

Chelsie did a lot of complaining this week for someone who seems generally pretty sweet. It’s hard to blame her, though, when she’s caught in the middle of World War Spoiled.

Poor Chelsie. She had a great idea busting out the letters from her family, but she forgot that Clare has a video from her DEAD father just waiting for Juan Pablo to see. Letters from home can’t compare to that.

Looks like jumping off that cliff didn’t prove that you guys can get through anything in life together.

Grade: F

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Sharleen

Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

From the moment she awkwardly accepted the first impression rose we knew Sharleen was not gonna stay until the end. Every week it’s been an internal battle for Sharleen: one side of her brain just wants to make out with Juan Pablo, and the other side fights the urge to cut off her ears so she wouldn’t have to hear him talk. At least her good sense finally won out in the end.

Congrats to Sharleen for also bringing a whole new sense of normalcy and intellect to the show. There’s probably not many former contestants who could ever use the sentence “I’m missing a cerebral connection” unless they were topless and doing body shots.

Sharleen, you are an example to all.

Grade: A

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These Bachelorettes are going…home, but in a good way:

Andi

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