For most people, meeting the family members of their significant other can be a scary experience since you never know what to expect. This is not the case for our Bachelor Juan Pablo, because when he visits the hometowns of his four girlfriends he’s “just going to try to be himself.” Yeah…that’s EXACTLY what we’re worried about.

In Venezuelan culture, meeting someone’s parents and family is not a big deal.

“You guys [in the U.S.] put so much pressure on meeting the family. In Venezuela, we usually stay with our parents through University and sometimes after, and if you’re with somebody of course you’ll know their family.” – Juan Pablo, comparing normal Venezuelan life to a TV show.

Yes, if you’re with “somebody” then that’s a normal relationship. What if you’re with four “somebodies” and you have to try to convince each of their families that their daughter is special? Unless you’re on that Sister Wives show then that’s a battle you’ll never win.

But that’s not really why we’re genuinely concerned about Juan Pablo’s welfare as he enters the “Hometowns” phase of his Bachelor journey. If the family members of these girls have any sense they’ll quickly be able to expose Juan Pablo for who he truly is, and there’s NO WAY he knows enough English to properly defend himself. “Language barriers” are not going to calm the fears of a pissed off father.

Plus, if he walks into any of their homes the same way he does when he meets his girlfriends for their dates, then this could be a LONNNNNNG week.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression, hermano.

Ok, let’s take it home!

“How the (Mid)West Was Juan”

If Missouri is known as the “Show-Me” State, then Nikki is already doing a horrible job of living up to its nickname. Where is the first place she takes Juan Pablo on his visit to Kansas City?

A gas station.

Of course, this gas station hosts the famous Oklahoma Joe’s, an award-winning BBQ restaurant with lines a mile long out the door. Still, for most people the idea of eating gas station food is right up there with eating at most food carts, taco trucks and sports stadium vendors – it might taste fantastic, but there’s an inherent risk. You REALLY hope they’ve been visited by the health inspector at least twice in the past year, and it’s also a good idea to Google map the nearest hospital.

Even though he’s essentially lived in the United States since 2008, Juan Pablo has shockingly not heard of this strange thing called “the Bar-bay-keww.” And since he’s never eaten it, he has NO IDEA how to get that rib meat from the plate and into his stomach.

“You tell me what I do first.” – Juan Pablo, forgetting how to do simple things.

“I think you just eat it.” – Nikki, wondering if she should also cut his meat too.

It only takes him a few bites before he acts like “Ayyyyyyy, I need to be eating this Bar-bay-keww in the ocean, but Ca-MEE-la must not watch.” I’m actually pretty shocked he didn’t take his shirt off and go ‘skins for the rest of the meal.

Juan Pablo said he would “get fat” eating BBQ everyday, forgetting that one of his favorite foods is Venezuelan tequeños, a deep-fried cheese stick.

Also, Juan Pablo kisses girls the same way he eats BBQ ribs – with both hands placed firmly on the side, and TONS of lip-smacking. And strangely, this whole experience was also symbolic of how he seems to view women – like they’re pieces of meat who are “begging” to be devoured by him.

Nikki is determined to get back at Juan Pablo for making her dance at a concert in South Korea, which is about the same as getting mad at someone for making you do “The Wave” at a football game. Yeah, it’s a little awkward, but everyone else is doing it too so get over yourself.

She takes him to go mechanical bull riding – a great activity choice with an entire rack of ribs in your belly – but it’s also a test:

“I’m looking forward to seeing how ‘Cowboy’ Juan Pablo really is.” – Nikki, who has apparently never watched TV.

Uhhhh, remember this???

If Nikki hadn’t forgot to DVR Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette, then she would already know just how much of a “cowboy” Juan Pablo really is. During one episode, the men on the group date were trained by a team of Hollywood stuntmen in the art of lassoing, gun slinging and fake punching. Then they competed with each other for some “special time” with Desiree, where they ended up just watching an extended trailer for that horrible Lone Ranger movie.

Juan Pablo emerged victorious and Desiree pinned his chest with a special ranger badge. Later during the movie, Juan Pablo pinned Desiree’s chest with a stray kernel of popcorn. Then they made out.

And while Juan Pablo’s victory was impressive for not even knowing who the Lone Ranger was, his competition consisted of a beefy metrosexual bro named James, a snow cone vendor named Zak, and some guy named Dan who split his pants open while mounting one of the horses. Sooooooo…I guess he’s “kind of” already a cowboy.

Well, he was definitely more of a cowboy than Nikki expected after his first time on a mechanical bull ride, but it’s not hard when the speed is set to level three. I’ve seen kiddie rides outside of Walmart that go faster.

“It’s pretty hot watching Juan Pablo on the bull.” – Nikki, not thinking about what this is doing to his testicles.

“Ay’m ok. Ay’m ok. Ay’m ok.” – Juan Pablo, every time he lands directly on his testicles.

Nikki takes Juan Pablo home to meet her family. In true “cowgirl” fashion, Nikki keeps it real and lives in a GIGANTIC mansion, complete with Roman pillars, beautiful tapestries, and a large stone fireplace in the dining area. So, while it’s not surprising that she’s used to getting everything she wants, it was VERY surprising that her family didn’t make Juan Pablo use the servants entrance once they heard his accent.

Nikki’s dad, Tom, toasts their relationship and welcomes Juan Pablo to their home. All Nikki did was complain about not flying first class to South Korea like Juan Pablo got to.

Her mom and TOTAL BESTIE, Jennifer, pulls Nikki away for a mid-dinner talk. Their conversation sounded hopeful:

“Do you think you’re ‘in love’ with him?”
“Yes”
“Have you told him?”
“No.”
“Honestly, the next time you guys see me I could be engaged.”
“Do you mean it?”
“I feel really good about this.”

…but you know the whole time her mom was thinking “Ohhhh, you know that Nikki…always learning the hard way.”

Tom chats with Juan Pablo and Nikki about their relationship, and realizes there could be hurt involved. He asks Juan Pablo not propose to her unless they are fully ready to make that commitment. Maybe Tom has seen the show and understands that not everything turns out like Ryan and Trista, but it’s more likely he confused the regular show with The Bachelor Pad and is scared for Nikki’s life and virtue.

Nikki isn’t concerned about her compatibility with Juan Pablo or becoming part of a blended family.

“I don’t think there will be any surprises.” – Nikki, learning the hard way like her mom thought she would.

Tom is so positive and full of compliments, and thinks anyone who ends up with Nikki is lucky. His looks and soothing voice reminded me of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, that kid’s show from the 70s. Coincidentally, her mom also kind of looked like Lady Elaine – one of the puppets on the show – but wasn’t nearly as mean and red-faced.

Nikki still doesn’t tell Juan Pablo she loves him before he leaves. It didn’t feel right to say it, but she doesn’t know why.

Then how come we all do?

“Shots Fired!”

Like Nikki, Andi wants revenge on Juan Pablo for making her do “crazy” things like play soccer, sing karaoke and dance. And also like Nikki, Andi sees their time together as an opportunity to test out Juan Pablo’s manhood. She takes him to one of her favorite hangouts: the gun range.

Whaaaa…the gun range?

Well, well, well…the girls are all full of surprises this week, aren’t they? First, Nikki tries to convince us she’s “soooooo country, guys” and now Andi is suddenly Sarah Conner from the Terminator movies. I’m now fully expecting Renee to come out as some twisted dominatrix, and Clare to showcase her skills as a competitive eating champion.

Ok, well maybe not.

Now, I’m no gun expert, but I do know one of the first rules of gun safety is to never point a firearm at another person, regardless of whether it’s loaded or not. Juan Pablo breaks this rule in the first 30 seconds.

Oh man, he had it pointed sideways too. That’s a kill shot!

Juan Pablo has sweaty palms and is nervous, which is surprising since he’s never been know to be gun shy. But that shouldn’t be a strike against his manhood. No…that came later, when Andi ended up with the semi-automatic rifle and Juan Pablo gets stuck with what looks like a water pistol.

After many, many, many, many tries, Juan Pablo finally hit the bullseye and gets some celebratory smooches from Andi. This was smart on her part to kiss him at the gun range, as the ear protection headset and goggles made a great barrier against any face mangling.

After the gun show, Andi finally brought Juan Pablo to her parent’s house. Andi’s family hung a “Welcome home Pookie” sign on the front door in an obvious attempt to embarrass her. This was an awesome coincidence, since “Pookie” is also the nickname of Chris Rock’s character in New Jack City, where he plays a crack addict.

And we all know how Andi feels about her sweet, sweet drug Juan Pablo. “Por favor, just one more hit of those sweet besitos.”

Meeting Andi’s father for the first time has to be frustrating since his name is also a common greeting.

Andi is still “waiting” to fall in love with Juan Pablo, and she knows her family could be the tipping point. It doesn’t help that Hy is an extremely wise man, and he sees through all of Juan Pablo’s sweet talk and fake charm. I would pay money to see Juan Pablo try and get out of a serious conversation with Hy by caressing the side of his face and trying to kiss him.

Andi starts off by recapping their “dating” history to her family. Her dad hears the one thing every father wants to hear about his daughter:

“My first four dates with Juan Pablo each involved at least eight other girls, ANNNNNND on our first date he convinced me to take all my clothes off… … …with another girl… … …and a dog. But don’t worry, the dog didn’t die. It was for charity.”

Andi tried to save the conversation by mentioning her first one on one date in New Zealand, but then instantly tried to retract her excitement when she remembered that her parents aren’t allowed to watch that episode because she made out with Juan Pablo for six hours under a waterfall.

Hy sees they are both infatuated with each other, but that Juan Pablo is probably the same with the other girls too. He interviews Juan Pablo, and pretty much becomes the hero to fathers around the world:

“Is it Juan or Juan Pablo?”

“Up to now it’s been all fun and games – you’re two attractive people traveling around the world together. Well, one attractive person and an attractive guy with three other girls.”

“I have great kids, a wonderful son-in-law, and a ‘visitor’ in my home right now.”

“If you break Andi’s heart then you need to run and hide.”

“My concern is not if Andi will find someone, but if she will find someone good enough.”

“The person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me.”

Hahahahahahaha – I wonder how much Juan Pablo appreciates honesty now?!

After watching Hy completely take over the show, there’s no debate that he instantly becomes one of the most awesome people of this season that wasn’t a contestant. In fact, if we were to rank the best people on this season of The Bachelor, it would probably look something like this:

The Top Ten People on The Bachelor, Season 18:

1) Kelly, because duh.
2) Sharleen
3) Hy
4) Renee
5) Andi
6) Lucy
7) That Vietnamese guy who made them pick their own dinner from his farm
8) Chelsie
9) That Korean 2NE1 Superfan with the extra thick glasses
10) Juan Pablo’s cousin, Rodolfo, and his braces

Andi’s mom doesn’t give Juan Pablo any additional reassurance as she’s still very concerned about her daughter’s lack of dancing ability. Andi tries to salsa again, but it still looks like someone put cement blocks on her feet. Her mom goes full cougar attack and takes Juan Pablo for a spin. Andi takes this as a semi-positive sign of support from her mom, but I’m sure she just wanted an excuse to dance with the “hot Latin guy.”

Hy asks Juan Pablo why he decided to go on The Bachelor, and the first answer he gives is because “the people who sign up will already know who I am.” If this were true, then how come before every commercial break we see this advertisement from ABC:

Andi’s sister wasn’t “feeling it” with Juan Pablo either, leaving Andi without any solid family support. But such is the life of a Juan Pablo addict. What her parents should have done is use this opportunity to stage an intervention, but it’s hard to do when their daughter is using right in front of them.

Andi’s going to have to make her own decisions, and sometimes the first step is admitting to yourself that you have a problem.

“Hi, my name is Andi, and I’m a Pablo-holic.”

Say those words, Andi. Say them.

“It’s Ben! Nice Knowing You.”

Poor Renee.

She left her son for two months in search of love, but has got little back in return. All she’s done is give grief counseling to a bunch of grown women and waited a good month to get a kiss from her maybe-boyfriend. Oh, and she got a dress in Vietnam that is probably worth about $3.00, so there’s that.

Juan Pablo is anxious to meet her son, so Renee takes him to Ben’s baseball game. In one of the most ironic twists of this season, Juan Pablo reveals that he has never been to a little league game. He grew up in Venezuela – where baseball is more popular than soccer – AND works for the Miami Marlins, which for all intents and purposes is a little league team that plays in a big stadium.

Juan Pablo just stands there creepily and watches the moment when they hug. Instead of giving the boy and his mom some time to catch up, he can’t help but force his way into the conversation and introduce himself to Ben. Juan Pablo tries to talk to Ben about baseball, but Ben was obviously trying to process exactly why he’s suddenly allowed to talk to strangers in the park.

Ben is a young man of few words, so I’ll just say how the conversation SHOULD have went:

Renee and Juan Pablo enjoyed the game together, and Renee wished that moment could go on forever. Uhhhh, this is a baseball game…it actually can go on forever.

Ben made some sweet plays at shortstop, including a diving catch that he turned into a double play. I love that kid running to first who hesitates and then keeps running. Uhhh, sorry little bro, you’re already out.

Between being on this show and his baseball skills, Ben is going to be way better than Derek Jeter, and he’ll probably leave better gift baskets for the ladies.

Juan Pablo’s visit to meet Renee’s family was pretty uneventful. The big news was that Ben lost a tooth and had started making bracelets while Renee was gone, sooooo…yeah. Her parents seemed to be supportive of her and Juan Pablo, but maybe they were just tired from watching their grandson for the past two months.

Her mom, Brenda, saw the sparkle in Renee’s eyes, but cautioned Renee about falling too soon for Juan Pablo:

“I want you to be IN LOVE, because we can love our pets.” – Brenda, who probably wouldn’t pose naked for dogs.

I know. I know. Stand down, Kelly. Esssss, ok.

Renee talked with her dad, Tom, who she claims is “always, always, always, always right.”

Ok, so maybe take off a few of those “always.”

Renee didn’t pour out her heart to Juan Pablo like she wanted to, and for that we are all thankful. We’re just glad Juan Pablo didn’t waste her time.

[sarcasm]

“Crazytown, Sacramento”

Like the previous girls, Clare has her own plan to test Juan Pablo’s manhood: a day at the salon.

Earlier she met Juan Pablo at the McKinley Park, where she spent significant time as a child. Her dad would take her there to feed the ducks, and let her ask any question she wanted:

“Father, what do I do when I miss you so bad?” – Clare.

“Go to the water and throw a rock. I won’t be any further away than you can throw it.” – Clare’s dad

In memory of her deceased father, Juan Pablo invites Clare to grab a rock and throw it into the pond. He rewards her with another kiss, but I bet Clare is VERY THANKFUL this was the first time she’s thrown a rock into water when Juan Pablo’s around.

After some sufficient make-out time in the park, Clare brings Juan Pablo home to meet her mother, Lilian, and her sisters Laura, Madeline, Julie and Lisa. However, I seem to remember Clare talking about having FIVE sisters, so the missing sister is either:

A) …smart enough not to come on the show, or
B) …more beautiful than Clare and didn’t want to steal the spotlight, or
C) …Laura couldn’t wait until dinner.

Her sister Julie questions the amount of swimming time Clare’s had on her dates, but once she watches the show I guess she’ll realize why. Lisa was overjoyed to see Clare and thought she looked good. Madeline gave Clare some marriage advice just in case Juan Pablo proposed to her. You could tell they were all very protective of Clare and genuinely cared about her happiness.

Well…it was either that, or they’re used to overcompensating for the behavior of their troll sister, Laura.

Whether it was pure jealously – or that she wanted more camera time than her other sisters – Laura made it her responsibility to speak for their mother. I apologize for making another Lord of the Rings comparison since New Zealand was soooooooo two weeks ago, but it reminded me of when that goth-looking guy, Wormtongue, had put Théoden under his control in The Two Towers.

Laura thinks Clare is caught up in the glitz and glamour of the show, and won’t be able to handle rejection. And since she knows Juan Pablo is still dating three other girls, there’s no way they can support Clare’s decision.

“To give a blessing? I don’t think that we’re there yet.” – Laura, speaking for her mom.

Clare insists that she’s following her heart and understands the risk involved, while Laura accuses Clare of trying to manipulate their mother.

Strangely, Clare’s mom stays silent through all of this instead of telling Laura the Troll to drink a warm glass of shut the hell up. Laura couldn’t stand Clare’s back talk, so she lumbered toward her in an attempt to stop her from talking to their mother. After she failed to scare Clare away, Laura retreated back to the house and plotted her next move, and also probably ate a few small puppies.

Juan Pablo was able to finally calm Laura down and she hobbled back inside the house. That left him alone with Clare’s mom, Lilian, to finally have some deep conversation in Spanish… … …where they talked about the weather.

Unsurprisingly, Juan Pablo was even noncommittal about Venezuela’s climate.

Lilian reminded Juan Pablo that they are religious and marriage is not something you play around with.

“If he could look past my crazy family, I would love to marry him.” – Clare, fulfilling Nikki’s prophecy.

If Laura didn’t already scare him off, then the “Come to Jesus” talk surely did.

Here is the Bachelorette we said “adiós” to:

Renee

Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA

Juan Pablo respects Ben too much to kiss his mom on a national TV show that he will most likely never see, but he’s totally cool meeting him and hanging out for a day just to dump his mom later that week.

We knew Renee was too good for Juan Pablo from the start, so this has been a long time coming. Don’t worry too much for Renee, her mom made it sound like she’s already thinking of hooking her up with Ben’s baseball coach. If she keeps showing up to her kids’ games in a bikini top and booty shorts, I’m sure she will have no problem finding another loser like Juan Pablo to not care about her son.

Grade: A (does she deserve anything less?)

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These Bachelorettes are going to be doing a lot of crying next week:

Andi

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