Do your spirit guides help you dance? Can you double your dating by watching DVDs? What exactly does a male preying mantis dance like? All these questions and more are answered during this week’s two-hour episode of the 2012 So You Think You Can Dance? (SYTYCD) – Salt Lake City auditions!

“Breath taking. Raw Power. Awe Inspiring. Naturally, I’m talking about the dancers here in Utah.”

….um what Cat? Yes folks it’s true, according to SYTYCD, Salt Lake City, Utah has become a hub of great dancers, and nobody is more shocked than me. Now, Salt Lake IS the hub of many other things: girls with eating disorders and fake breasts; guys with popped collars and white sunglasses; wanna-be professional photographers; and return missionaries who later become door to door salesmen peddling their security systems or pest control.

Yes, SLC has those covered. But amazing dancers? who knew.

We are joined again this SYTYCD season by our permanent judges:

Nigel Lithgoe, the creepy uncle that no mother lets their child near at family reunions…especially if he’s been drinking.

In fact, every recap I will add the creepiest Nigel comment for your reading pleasure. Just make sure you have a barf bowl and sanitizer nearby, cause you’ll feel dirty.

And…

Mary Murphy, the overly-sexed middle-aged eccentric aunt that no girl would introduce to her boyfriend, husband, close male friend to, or really any male you have in your life.

In fact, it’s no surprise that this crazy lady has gotten herself into some trouble recently. If you are shocked by these allegations, then you obviously have never watched a single second of the show. Looks like Mary needs a one way ticket on the hot tamale train to NA, AA, and SA.

For this SYTYCD episode, the judges panel welcomes Adam Shankman, who I absolutely adore. He’s like the funny tender-hearted gay Jewish best friend that you never knew you wanted, until now….oh it’s just me? Well then, I’ll keep him all to myself.

And now the contestants:

Witney Carson: 18, Latin Ballroom, UT
I know she claims to be just a “normal teenage girl,” but for a girl who dances that sexy, I wonder if her definition of normal is more along the lines of MTV’s Teen Mom. I love watching ballroom dance, but I will never get used to the crazy “faces” they all make while they dance. I’m sure they do it for a particular reason, but in the end it just kind of creeps me out.

She’s good. really good. and the judges send her on the Vegas. But not without Nigel getting some “compliments” in:

“you’re a little cutie aren’t you?”

“great legs, great feet, great back, and add to that this smoking hot face…you’re dad is really gonna have to look after you.”

um…..yuck. And yet none of these are the grossest statements of the night. Sidenote: I know her try out partner, Marquette, and he is an amazing dancer in all types of dance. Look out for him in couple years.

Lynn Gravatt: 33, Alien space dance(?), OR

They gave this chick about 10 minutes too much airtime, but she spouted so much craziness that I am forced to recap it all for you anyway. Lynn was an aerospace engineer, until one day she was sitting in her living room with her friends and a “force” (drugs) entered her body and made her dance around the room. Since then, she has been on a “journey” to find out what it was (a psychotic break).

This lunatic gets her energy from the Pleiades constellation that is 400 light years away. Apparently, this constellation also gave her 3 spirit guides: Divine da Flame – she knows what’s up, her highest self, what I inspire to be; Devil da Flame – man, strong, dancer; and Rainbow Lite Bright: who has rainbow-colored eyes, and picks out her outfits. So it was Rainbow Lite Bright that thought a pink tank top, turquoise leggings, body glitter, feather earrings, and a shaved head were the perfect look for this occasion?

This woman is a nut job, and I kept hoping she would impale herself on one of the spiked things she was seen dancing through in her introduction video. It didn’t happen, and I was forced to watch her dance. She says she wanted to prove that your life doesn’t have to be planned out at 30…but I say, yeah but at some point you have to give on some “dreams” and live in reality. I’m pretty sure her family would agree with me.

Deanna Tomasetta: 19, MA
She was a good enough dancer, and the judges loved her, but I was more intrigued by her large Italian family, especially the cigar smoking uncle with the slicked back hair and think accent. All her cousins and brother looked like possible new roommates for Sammy the Sweetheart and Snooki.

When she was on the phone with her grandma, informing her of her ticket to Vegas, I couldn’t help but picture a little old Italian woman in her kitchen making meatballs, drinking vino, and quietly calling off the hit on the judges.

Gene Lonardo: Las Vegas, Preying Mantis Dance
First surprise of the night. He was actually really good. It’s no surprise that this guy from Vegas knows how to apply glitter and body paint, but I found it a little distracting.

I was impressed with his dancing, but if I have to listen to one more Sonya reference every time someone dances a little differently I will punch someone in the face. Good thing I usually watch this show alone.

Mariah Spears: 19, AZ, Krump
This girl can krump, but what was up with the shot of her angrily standing against the wall outside the door, as if she was waiting for one of the petite blonde ballroom girls to come out so she could dance fight them in the alley?

Murphy Yang: 22, UT, Hip-Hop
His parents wanted him to be a doctor or lawyer, and disowned him for wanting to be a dancer. Way to break stereotypes there! Although, I’m thinking the white girlfriend might have played a role as well, but who knows.

I think he was hoping this sob story would help move him on to the next round since clearly he didn’t spend much time on his choreography, but in the end the judges also “disowned” him and he was sent home.

Dareian Kujawa: NV
Dareian claimed to be very excited for his audition and from the perkiness of his nipples. Dareian, was another dancer with a sob story. (I’m beginning to think the two go hand in hand) Any way, Darejan was poor, and because his life sucked so bad, his school work suffered, so to escape the dread he worked extra hard in school? Nope…you would think so, but instead he immersed himself in dance. As if an education wouldn’t help with the whole being poor, and living in a one bedroom apartment with your whole family thing. But I digress, his dancing was pretty darn good. Almost as awesome as the size of his calves…or his nipples.

Johnny Ahn: 29, Orem
Ahn is the guy EVERY GIRL avoids at a club, party, grocery store, or basically anywhere he is. This guy subscribed to these DVDs and emails called “Double your Dating” in which he apparently learned what girls want in a guy. Tips he learned: 1) cocky comedy is one of the keys to attraction. 2) girls will act offended when you make fun of them, but secretly they like it. I’m not saying that these tips are totally off, but put into the wrong hands they can be dangerous and downright creepy. And those wrong hands belong to Johnny Ahn.

Adrian Lee: 22, Los Angeles
Otis Redding’s “Tenderness” comes on and I instantly hope that his dance number looks something like this…

It doesn’t, but I liked it, and he deserved to go back to Vegas.

Rachel Applehans: 20, CO
Oh how do I put this without being super offensive? She looked like a whore. I’m pretty sure her mother had no idea – when she suggested to a shy little girl – that dance might be a good way to become “social.” Then one day that same girl would become a bleached blonde, nose ring wearing, 20-something who wears a white laced see-through lingerie top while slithering on the ground. Reminded me of an girl in an 80s metal video.

She’s hoping to dance for Nigel and make him feel “uncomfortable.” As she rolled around on the floor, tossing her hair frantically, and sexually mouthing “I love you” to Nigel, I just kept wondering if the Pussycat Dolls knew they were missing one of their cage dancers? In the end it was a yes to Vegas…and a definite yes to herpes.

Leroy Martinez: 29, CA

This guy was my favorite of the night. The chubby guy from California, who works at an school program called Peacemakers that aims at keeping kids off the streets and into dance. He is the only male in his family that has never been incarcerated, on drugs, or had a baby out-of-wedlock, and he won my heart instantly. I’m not gonna lie. I thought his dancing was going to be embarrassing, and he would leave the stage knowing that people liked him, but thought the world would be a better place without his body movements. But Oh My Goodness the boy can dance!

This overweight lover has got some moves! Adam Shankman cried, no surprise, but I must admit I may have shed a gleeful tear as well.

Creepiest Nigel Lithgoe line of the night:

After a beautiful contestant, dancing the brazilian samba, shook her hips, rolled her body, and bounced her booty in a very revealing glitzy white feathery number–

“I know what to ask for my birthday and it’s not the outfit!”