Apologies all around for missing the Bachelorette Breakdown last week. In order to add some more legitimacy to the Breakdown, I decided to get engaged myself. Now that I am in a committed relationship, I have every right to criticize and offer unsolicited advice to anyone that’s not in a relationship.

That’s how it works right? That has always been the case with my married friends. Either way, I am happy and I believe in love more than ever. I’m pumped! Let’s do this!!!

In case you missed it, here is the last Bachelorette Breakdown.

A few random thoughts before we get to our performance grades…

– How much do you love watching ABC pimp its own movies? In case you didn’t know, ABC is owned by Disney which is the reason for last week’s blatant commercial for the new movie “Brave.” It’s a shameless plug, but after watching Stuart Scott host SportsCenter for so many years wearing a Mickey Mouse magician hat, I’m used to it.

– How have we not looked into Arie’s race career before? I found myself wondering this all last night and I was able to find this.

– Also this.

– I have been to Prague before, so if my recent engagement wasn’t enough to qualify me to judge this week’s episode, then my European experience definitely is.

And now a look at those that left us…

Doug– Emily said she was going to send Doug home last week because he has a kid at home that he misses. Emily knows all about this as she also has a child she has been neglecting for weeks. What happened to Ricki? Is ABC giving up on the single-mom insta-daddy aspect of the show?

As Emily was telling Doug that she wasn’t feeling it and was going to send him home, Doug mustered up some late confidence and planted one on her in the middle of the street which elicited the following response from Emily: “Thank you for that.” Sorry Doug, you are way too late. But thanks for providing us with that awkward moment. I also have to say how much I love hearing any form of the phrase, “I don’t want to be alone” in the exit limo ride. It ranks right behind hearing a character in a movie say the name of the movie and Peanut Butter M&Ms. When I got to hear Doug say it I was especially happy. So Doug…thank you for that.

John– I don’t think I have seen John do a single interesting thing the whole time he has been on the show. I swear he has talked to Emily like four times. He got a one-on-one date this week and apparently there was a lot that didn’t make it on TV. He felt pretty confident about it even though it seemed like a lame date. It seemed to me like they made small talk the whole time while Emily was planning her speech for when she kicked him off.

John told her about his longtime girlfriend that had cheated on him and got some sympathy from Emily. He started talking about this “hard shell” that he has from his father (who apparently is a turtle) and how his girlfriend cheating on him had affected him. Emily bought that crap and went back on her original plan to send him home. Well played John, but it didn’t work out in the end, and he was kicked off the show by the producers so that Chris wouldn’t murder everyone.

And now our weekly performance grades…

Arie– ABC tried to hype up this storyline about Arie having a previous relationship with one of the producers and made it sound like Emily was going to kick him off. It was silly and it’s moments like this that make me wonder why I even watch this show. Apparently Arie had a very short relationship with an ABC producer on the show several years ago. He hadn’t told Emily this and so ABC brought it to her attention. She seemed mad and confronted Arie about it. Their conversation wasn’t aired on TV, but I think I know how that conversation went.

Did you see the girl that Arie had a “relationship” with? She was gross. I’m sure Arie just explained to Emily that it was a low point in his life and he wasn’t proud of it and didn’t want to admit on national TV that he had dated that girl. At least that’s what I like to think he said. What he probably did was apologize and beg her to forgive him until she finally did. Either way, they got over it and Arie had a big week. He told Emily he loved her and she said everything short of I love you too (I think there must be certain rules that Bachelorettes have to follow so that they keep the show interesting. I think one of the rules is that they can’t say I love you or tell someone that they are going to win) Emily said things like, “You made me the happiest girl in the world tonight.” Which is to say, “I can’t say I love you so I am going to say everything else to tell you how happy I am.” Huge week for Arie. A+

Jef with one F– Jef with one F’s parents are on a mission! Most of America probably didn’t know what that was all about when he talked about his parents being tied up with stuff for a few years in South Carolina, but all Mormons did. I’m not sure if they are just on a mission or if they are mission presidents, I’m leaning toward the mission president theory because he said a few years and not a couple. Either way, I’m super excited to see how this plays out. I don’t know what to make of Jef with one F. How has he made it this far? And how does Emily like him so much? It doesn’t make sense to me but right now, Jef with one F is doing as well as anyone. A+

Sean– Sean went searching through the streets of Prague looking for Emily, which can only be described as the fakest segment on any TV show ever. Come on ABC, are we really to believe that after dropping off John from their date that you leave Emily to walk through a major European city in the middle of the night alone? Give me a break. Sean “found” Emily and they shared a moment. If Sean finding Emily wasn’t fake enough for you, they also were able to find an open but completely empty bar to hang out in for a while, how convenient! ABC is insulting our intelligence and after watching this segment I thought about finding a new show to watch. Ok that’s not true, but I did roll my eyes a couple of times. Sean gets an A this week.

Chris– This week Chris said, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’m gonna be scared for anybody around me” which made us all ask the question, “Is Chris going to murder everyone on the show?” I know I asked myself that multiple times during the episode. Chris spent the whole time in Prague having a pity party for himself over the fact that he hasn’t been on a single date in a while. I don’t know what his deal is, but he is unstable and we all need to prepare for an awkward exit now.

You could argue that Chris deserves an A for his last-minute effort in getting the rose but I refuse to give it to him. You can’t interrupt a rose ceremony. Come on Chris, is nothing sacred? Chris gets a D and is a huge underdog going into hometown dates. Let’s just hope he doesn’t kill everyone next week. As dramatic as that would be, I would miss seeing Jef with one F’s pillow spinning skills.

Words cannot express how excited I am for hometown dates. From the teaser preview it looks like Emily was having issues with going to visit someone’s family. Let me guess, maybe it’s the guy that begged her to stay on the show at the last rose ceremony. Hard to go from that to, “Hey meet my Mom and Dad, they are going to love you!” Let’s just hope ABC has some security around when Emily breaks the news to Chris because I am calling it right now, he is going to do something crazy.

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