I never watch the Presidential Debates for the same reasons I don’t watch beauty pageants, those singing and dancing competitions, and most award shows — they’re too predictable.
Now, don’t get me wrong … I definitely care about the elections and who the President is, but watching the process can often be excruciating, and boring, and terrible. To draw similar comparisons, it’s the equivalent of pretending to care about how some 19-year old girl wants world peace when all I want to see is the swimsuit competition, or hearing Mary Murphy do her “hot tamale train” scream, or YEAAAAAAH One Direction!!! YES OF COURSE THOSE GIRLS SHOULD WIN AGAIN!!!!!
The best part about having to never watch the debates is that Al Gore invented the Internet. I don’t have to sit there for 2 hours listening to both candidates jabber about the economy and how they can take the 3.5558% jobless rate, and divide it by the $80 trillion dollars we owe to China, and then multiply the cost of inflation by the square root of Pi – carry the 2 – then we can lower the budget by $5 million dollarzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – errr, falling asleep. Please, if I wanted to WATCH a math lesson I would register for the University of Phoenix.
Thankfully, I can skip all of that and just catch the highlights of what happened. And when I say “catch the highlights” I mean I looked on Facebook and Twitter. Most people hate reading social media during election time (and if we’re being honest…political Facebook rants in general) to the point where they block some of their “friends” until the elections are over. Nope…not me, haters. I say bring it on. Give me a solid ten paragraphs as your status update. It saves me from having to read a newspaper (I know, what are those?), or watch the news, or read TIME magazine, or spend even a nanosecond watching FOX news or CNN, or…well, you get the point.
Plus, isn’t it just payback for when sports fans post about every play during the Superbowl any football game? Yes, I know it’s shocking that no one cares about how Cal-State Polytech University beat Westminster Tech on a last second field, or how your fantasy football team sucks because TEBOW WHY CAN’T YOU JUST RUN FOR 7 MORE YARDS!!!! (yes, I shamelessly used Tebow on purpose).
For example, I spent 10 minutes on Twitter and gathered this much about the debates:
1. Obama was “celebrating” his 20th anniversary.
And by “celebrating”, I mean arguing with another man. Uh, side note on this: If most men ever spent their anniversary with anyone other than their wife they would be murdered.
2. I guess Mitt Romney “won” the debate argument.
And by “won” I mean he sounded less like an idiot than Obama did on this particular night. Yeah, according to Twitter Obama sounded like the 2007 South Carolina Miss Teen USA contestant.
3. Mitt Romney “lied” a lot. Apparently…A WHOLE LOT.
And by “lied” I mean that Democrats said he lied…a lot.
4. The moderator guy, Jim Lehrer, “sucked” and had no control over the candidates.
And by “sucked” I mean he actually lost the debate and not Obama.
5. MITT ROMNEY WANTS TO “KILL” BIG BIRD!!!!!
And by “kill” I mean he just doesn’t want the government to pay for Big Bird’s show anymore. (Plus, if you’re going to kill one of the puppets from Sesame Street, we all know it should be Elmo).
Get it? Because Obama LOVES Big Bird and would NEVER kill him.
But you know who IS killing it? The Gregory Brothers auto-tune of the debate:
So classic. Ok, now here’s the best tweets about the first Presidential Debate of Mitt and Obama:
Obama got that spanking he was looking for on his anniversary. #debate
Romney seriously threatened to cancel Sesame Street, because that money would be better spent on educating kids.
After reading all the variations of the debate drinking games, I have decided to simply remove my liver and set it on fire.
That'll do, Big Bird parody accounts.
Debate tips: You want to carry a state real quick on the way out...yell Hook Em' or Roll Tide.
Mom: "I like Romney now!"Me: "mom, he's a mormon"Mom: "oh! nevermind"
If Obama keeps this up, next year he and Michelle will celebrate their anniversary at Olive Garden. #debate2012
Both presidential candidates just shoved Jim Lehrer into a locker. #debate
If Obama shows up at the next debate with Big Bird in his corner, WIN!
apparently my 'Mom' had a strong showing, according to my followers.
Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award Barack Obama no points, and may God have mercy on his soul.
As insufferable as Twitter was tonight just imagine when Tebow is a candidate in 2032
The only loser tonight was Big Bird.
At this point I'm just voting for Obama because I know how bad moving sucks.
Debates were super FUN. Can't wait 4 next one. Wish they never ended. Hope they have debates on every night. No more sports. More debates!!
Notice, neither one of those guys offered you free Papa Johns pizza. #PresDebate
My son's eight year old football team, won their first game 53-3. Romney just won by more than that. #Debate2012
The NFL replacement refs just awarded the debate and the presidency to Obama.
Obama says "and, and, and" just like Dustin Hoffman coming down the stairs at the end of "Tootsie". He's making it up and it's not working.
MSNBC's flag at half mast.
Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool. #debate2012 #denverdebate
Obama made a lot of great points tonight. Unfortunately, most of them were for Romney
Obama has gotta be rethinking the decision to go to this rather than Applebees on his anniversary. #debates
They should get Kanye to moderate next time:Imma let you finish Romney but Ken Jennings was the best Mormon OF ALL TIME.
Hey 1950 America, in 2012 we are about to vote for a black dude or a Mormon for president. Bet you didn't see that coming #debate
Jim Lehrer at dinner: "You messed up my order. I asked for a steak." Waitress: "You'll shut up and eat that soup." Lehrer: "Yep."
where is the orchestra from the Emmys when you need them! #debates
While this debate is happening, someone is robbing the white house. #debate
Do they build the actual debate sets so generic to make it easy for SNL to replicate?
Obama better hope a Kicked Ass is covered under Obamacare.
Was George Clooney Obama's reaction coach? #debate
This debate moderation is so rough I think Golden Tate was just awarded a touchdown
If I were the moderator, this debate would be a double DQ! Obama didn't obey the 5 count!
Obama is waiting for the right moment to pull out Bin Laden's skull from behind the podium. Wait for it. Wait for it... #debate #PresDebate
Obama talks to the camera like this is an episode of Modern Family. #MockTheVote
Imagine how mad Obama and Romney are both going to be when they find out that Golden Tate is being named the winner of this debate.
I have to admit they're both pretty handsome. I'm waiting for the swimsuit competition to decide. #debates
I liked Romney better when he was Winthorpe's friend in Trading Places. #MocktheVote
If I were a politician I'd use the line "Lets not talk about the economy... I want to focus on the econom-us." Then we'd make-out. Like this:
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