The Bachelor brings out the worst in me.

I got home from the gym around 6:40 p.m. (something Sean and I have in common), which I thought would give me plenty of time to get showered, dressed and ready to watch The Bachelor at 7:00. My plan would have worked, but my dear wife had just started cooking a delicious meal that was definitely going to cut into the beginning of the show.

I then had the following two thoughts:

1. Why are we even cooking??? Why can’t we just pop in a couple of frozen french bread pizzas?

2. Why don’t we own TV trays?

Now these thoughts didn’t linger in my mind, but the fact that I even had them shows what The Bachelor does to me. And on that note, let’s get to it.

Sean Lowe Starts His Journey

First of all, I love it how they refer to falling in love on The Bachelor as a “journey” or “adventure” or “quest.” I decided that I would help ABC advertising the show:

Top 3 Bachelorettes (in no particular order)

Desiree was invited on a one-on-one date/prank and handled herself well. Sean set her up with a prank where she was alone in a room with a priceless work of art and they made it fall to the floor while she was the only one in the room.

While Desiree initially tried to flee the scene immediately, she calmed down and played it pretty cool.

Sean seemed to really like Desiree at the end of the date, or maybe he just likes smooching in a hot tub. It was a good week for Desiree, and let’s just be glad that Sean isn’t as serious of a prankster as Christopher Walken.

Lesley also had a big week after being noticed in the cowboy photo shoot. She didn’t win, but how could she when she had to compete with Kristy?

Kristy was really excited to hear that the competition was a photo shoot because she is you know, a model. She was quite confident upon hearing the contest that she was going to win.

It was like if I heard that the contest was getting rejected by dental schools. “Oh yeah, I got this.”

Kacie B will always be Kacie B. I don’t even care that Kacie B is the only Kacie on the show.

Big move by Kacie B. this week who pulled a Ryan Reynolds and got out of the friend zone. I really hope Kacie B. makes it to the top two so she gets the hometown date. I would like an update on the happenings of the Boguskie family.

Episode Highlights

Sarah got the first one-on-one date. I feel really bad for Sarah and anyone else in her situation because missing a limb is not an easy thing. You pretty much have to acknowledge it with everyone you meet or else they feel uncomfortable.

It’s like being a midget. You can’t just be a midget and do midget things without acknowledging that you are midget to other people you meet that aren’t midgets. Until the word ‘midget’ is spoken by the midget, non-midget people are uncomfortable.

And yes, that whole last paragraph was probably really offensive to midgets. Apologies all around. Let’s move on before I dig a bigger hole for myself.

Katie was the first girl to leave the show because she didn’t think that the format of multiple girls fighting over one man was right for her. Not really sure what she was expecting, maybe that she would adapt better than she did or that The Bachelor – that has been going for 17 seasons – would suddenly change it’s format.

The good news about Katie leaving is that this is The Bachelor and not The Bachelorette. Every time somebody leaves The Bachelorette they were an emotional wreck thinking things like “Am I not pretty enough?” or “Why didn’t he like me?” When Sean the Bachelor (or any other man in his place) hears that a girl is leaving, all they think is “Well that’s too bad for you, because I’m awesome.” The Bachelor is a much steadier ride emotionally than the roller coaster that is The Bachelorette.

Robyn asked Sean if he was attracted to black girls. Sean’s response basically went like this: “It is the opinion of me, ABC producers, and Disney that I do not prefer one race over another.”

It was a very diplomatic response and while we don’t know if it’s true or not, we do know that in “Bachelor-world” it is better to be black than have two kids. I would like ABC to dismiss these racial charges by choosing a white Bachelor and then bringing in 25 black women as his bachelorettes. While that might be an interesting social experiment, it would probably lead to more racial charges against ABC. I take it back…that is a terrible idea.

Bottom 3 (In very particular order)

Amanda has emerged as the girl that everybody hates. She made it very apparent that she has no interest in getting to know anybody but Sean. This will lead to girls acting as spies to let Sean know that she is crazy. If there is one thing that is an indicator of whether a girl is crazy or not it is how well she gets along with other girls. I hope that Sean is smart enough to know this rule because Ben Flajnik sure wasn’t.

Lindsay was regretting her wedding dress gag on the first night and was worried that Sean wouldn’t realize that wasn’t who she really is. But when she was wearing the dress she kept talking about how this is who she is and how she likes to make jokes and be goofy.

So apparently Lindsay doesn’t even know who she is, which is not a good thing.

Daniella is probably going to be the informant. There are a few different girls that could have taken this spot but Daniella seems to be the most likely to me to take it upon herself to talk to Sean about Amanda and tell him about what a terrible person she is.

This never works out for the informant and they never last long.

At the end of the episode, I broke my own rule and watched the teasers for upcoming episodes (it’s kinda like looking at your presents before Christmas). All I can say is wow, can’t wait for what is coming up. Now excuse me while I go buy some TV trays off Amazon Prime.

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