To celebrate the 30th anniversary of their popular soft drink, Diet Coke released a new commercial titled “Gardener,” featuring super hot model Andrew Cooper and five desperate women. And yes…it’s totally awful.

The ad is an updated take on Coke’s memorable 1994 commercial where that idiot construction worker guy drinks a Diet Coke everyday RIGHT AT 11:30 – AND NOT A MINUTE LATER and all the loser women watch from a nearby office building. Oh, and of course he takes off his shirt because IT’S FRICKIN’ DIET COKE DRINKIN’ TIME PEOPLE!

Well, fast forward to 2013 where women no longer work in offices. They just go hang out at the park, drink Diet Cokes, and I guess stare at and bother some guy just trying to do his job.

Now let’s take a look at everything that makes this commercial absolutely horrible.

1. Sorry, but about 99% of people who mow lawns for a living are nowhere near this hot.

This is especially true for a man in his early 30s. He would most likely be a high school drop out with a gigantic beer gut, and you know he’s also captain of his bowling team. Okay, this guy is probably younger than that, but even famous lawn boy Patrick Dempsey in Can’t Buy Me Love was a complete dork, and he was in high school. If he had never given up lawn mowing and gone to medical school there’s no way he ever becomes Dr. McDreamy.

2. Why is this ad called “Gardener?” I see no gardens here.

All I see is a gigantic park full of dandelions, which I guess are “flowers” if you’re a 4-year old girl. Which leads me to…

3. What is this guy thinking???!!!

Do you see the size of that park?!

Even Donald Ronald used a riding mower for Cindy Mancini’s 900 sq. foot lawn in Can’t Buy Me Love. This guy is trying to trim Central Park with a push mower. I hope he charges by the hour or at least hired some other hot lawn mowing guys to help him.

4. Let’s meet the five women who meet on a hill in a park to drink Diet Coke in the middle of the day:

1. Alpha Female aka Hot Brunette: Obviously the leader of the group and really the only one who has a legit chance with hot lawn boy. She would also make an incredible shuffleboard player with her near-perfect accuracy of the Diet Coke can hitting the side of the lawnmower.

2. Soccer Mom: She’s happily married with 2.5 kids, but can’t resist hanging out with her single friends for their “Diet Coke in the Park” dates. She would also be the one who would watch this commercial about 50 times in a row and make some stupid joke like “He can be my lawn boy ANYTIME!”

3. Token Ugly Friend aka the Ginger: I’m sure she’s REALLY funny, though.

4. Blondie: I guess she would have a shot with hot lawnmower guy too, but she’s “in a relationship” with some guy her friends have never met – which means he probably delivers pizzas and still lives at home. Oh wait, we don’t have a token “gay” friend. Ok, that explains the mysterious boyfriend.

5. Token Black Friend: Please, please, please stop doing this TV shows, movies and commercials. Not every white person has a black friend. It’s just not true.

5. Notice anything else wrong with the five women?

Where is the blanket? No picnic? Where is the food? No, these women are literally just sitting on the weed-infested grass sipping Diet Cokes.

6. That Hot Brunette chick was seconds away from destroying his lawnmower.

Did she realize when she tossed the Diet Coke can down the hill it could easily have damaged his $3000 lawnmower? Had she rolled it about two seconds earlier she would have. She may as well have dropped a grenade in front of him with the amount of shrapnel the lawnmower would have kicked out if the blades tore into that can.

Plus, he would have never been able to open the can and consequently remove his shirt – the REAL near-tragedy in this scenario.

7. The name of his business is “Landscape.”

That’s like owning a grocery store and calling it “Food.”

Also, his logo is a circle with a leafless tree. So, your business is called “Landscape,” yet the icon you chose to represent your company is a tree where all the leaves have fallen off? That doesn’t take any work on your part. That’s called “Autumn.”

8. That is the biggest carbonated beverage explosion I’ve ever seen.

No seriously, how does it blow up like that? Did he drop a Mentos in it? Pop rocks? There’s no way that much spray could have come out of a 12-ounce can. Not even a 2-liter with a stick of dynamite would do that.

Plus, didn’t the can hit the side of the lawn mower? Basic chemistry tells us that no matter how hard you shake something carbonated, all you have to do is tap the side of the can a couple of times and the bubbles will rise to the top. It won’t explode.

9. The best GIF goes to…

Soccer mom’s face when he takes his shirt off. So fabulous.

Runner-up is hot lawnmower guy wringing out his Diet Coke soaked t-shirt. His D-bag status increased about 10 levels because of this:

10. Wait a minute??!!

I thought Hot Brunette was the one who rolled her can down the hill? Did she steal one from one of her friends? OR did she bring TWO Diet Cokes with her? So smart. That’s why she’s the leader.

11. So who gets the guy?

Are you kidding? None of them. They ruined his t-shirt and almost destroyed his lawnmower. Plus, I think he has a few more hours days years of mowing ahead of him.

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