The Mercedes Benz CLA is being advertised as “young, stylish and powerful,” but they should also add “still expensive” to that list because you’ll have to be willing to do whatever it takes to afford one.

Or do you?

According to Mercedes’ new Superbowl ad titled Soul, young hipsters – their apparent target audience –  won’t need to “sell their soul” to own the car because of how affordable it is. However, we all know that most people under age 30 can totally NOT afford a new Mercedes, much less some guy who just graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Women’s Studies.

In the ad, the devil tries to lure a young hipster guy into literally signing his soul away in exchange for the new Mercedes and the promise of a celebrity lifestyle. However, we also know that most hipsters totally DON’T want to be popular or famous…so nice try, Satan.

The hipster is whisked through a parallel fantasy world of what “could be” as he contemplates the tough decision before him:

1) Sell his soul, receive a semi-awesome car, and party with Usher and Kate Upton for eternity, OR
2) Buy it himself with the money he saves from his job at Barnes & Noble. Hopefully there are still some around in 20 years.

Decisions, decisions.

Perhaps Mercedes Benz should have sold their soul in exchange for a more effective commercial. Let’s take a look at why in this week’s edition of BADvertising:

1. Why are there so many paintings of Napoleon Bonaparte on the wall of the café?

Duh, because all the other crazy military leaders are soooo mainstream. No, actually this ad was filmed at Napoleon House, an old café in New Orleans (because get it? the Superbowl was played there). So is this ad supposed to also take place during Mardi Gras? Because hipsters LOVE Mardi Gras. (they don’t)

Our young hipster is shown enjoying a cup of morning coffee green tea. He doesn’t order an omelette because all of their eggs are “probably injected with hormones” or something toxic. He sits alone, contemplating why the football team at his liberal arts school has never won a game, or why his one Republican friend doesn’t like the new album by the Black Keys, WHEN SUDDENLY…

He stops worrying about how to save the ozone layer for one brief second and OH NO, A PICTURE OF SOMETHING POPULAR IS PLACED BEFORE HIM…AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL!

2. WAIT! Now I’m not totally convinced this guy is a legit hipster.

Some of the warning signs are there…

but no, something’s amiss. Let’s see, no black turtleneck…no thick-rimmed glasses…no full beard…nothing’s pierced…oh no…HE HASN’T GONE “FULL HIPSTER” YET! THAT’S WHY HE’S BEING TEMPTED, PEOPLE! HE’S WAVERING!!!! Oh man, he has no chance against the most popular, world-loving guy out there – SATAN!

And speaking of the devil…

3. Willem Dafoe was the WORST choice to play Satan. THE WORST.

Hear me out on this.

You’re probably thinking “No he’s not! Willem Dafoe was the perfect choice! He’s soooo creepy-looking, and SATAN IS CREEPY!”

You will get no argument from me on the creepiness of Willem Dafoe. His scary meter is off the charts. I mean, even throw aside his intentionally scary acting roles as a goblin, vampire or rapist hitman and just look at the ones where he just plays a somewhat “normal” guy:

When normal-looking guys say “People just disappear” you’re like “yeah, I guess they do,” but when Willem Dafoe says it, you’re like “Haha ok, but no really – where did you hide the body?”

Willem Dafoe even made Jesus seem a little creepy when he played him in The Last Temptation of Christ. No seriously, athiests saw that movie, looked at their Christian friends, and were like “annnnd, that’s why.” Seriously, who does that? Who makes Jesus seem creepy? Answer: Willem Dafoe does.

Yes, Satan is evil. Satan is scary. The thought of sitting across the table from the devil himself is extremely frightening. However, if you’re Satan and trying to convince someone to trade their soul for something like oh say…a new car, wouldn’t you want to come across as friendly, personable and attractive? Wouldn’t you want to be the very opposite of creepy and scary?

Would you trust someone who looks like Willem Dafoe? NO. Would you buy a car from them? PROBABLY NOT. Would you give your soul to them? ABSOLUTELY NOT. If Willem Dafoe suddenly appears at your table out of nowhere, is there anything stopping you from throwing your coffee in his face and running away screaming? NO.

Seriously, why didn’t they just switch his role with Kate Upton’s? What 26-year old guy WOULDN’T trade their soul for a car if Kate Upton asked them? Actually, she probably wouldn’t even have to give them a car. Most guys would be just like “Here Kate, yes take my soul, just sit with me while I enjoy my breakfast.”

Hey, it worked for Brendan Frasier in Bedazzled. Seven wishes from Elizabeth Hurley? Yes please. Seven wishes from Willem Dafoe? I peed my pants just thinking about it. I’d stand on the red carpet with Willem Dafoe. He’s a celebrity. I would not give my soul to him. That’s all.

4. Apparently Mercedes thinks the Freemasons are Satan-worshippers. Whoops.

Take a closer look at Satan’s bling. Let’s just say the costume department is not going to win any awards.

1) A gold calligraphy pen he bought from a pawn shop.
2) A pearl wedding ring he stole from someone’s dead grandmother.
3) A gold pendant chain he took from Tupac.

Ok, these all check out.

4) Lee Press-on Nails – Goth tips.
5) A demon ring he bought on sale at Hot Topic.

Those all seem ok to me, there’s just…

6) OH CRAP, that’s a Masonic ring. Awkward.

Now, I don’t profess to be an expert on Freemasons, but I’m about 100% sure they don’t worship Satan. Freemasons are members of the largest and oldest fraternity in the world, and although they’re not a religion, they do hold a strong obligation to God, integrity, virtue and living the Golden Rule. So when their symbol appears on the ring that Satan is wearing in a car commercial that could become an issue.

What makes it worse is that Mercedes Benz – a German automaker – should have been aware that approximately 200,000 innocent Freemasons were killed in Germany during the Holocaust because of people who lied about the Masons being affiliated with Satan.

Errrrr. Awkwards all around.

At least Mercedes was smart enough not to put a Star of David ring on his finger. Can you imagine the repercussions of that? OH MAN, MERCEDES IS LED BY A BUNCH OF NAZIS!!! and OH DID, YOU HEAR, WILLEM DAFOE IS A NAZI TOO!!! and then he would probably play Hitler in his next movie and people would say “OH LOOK, IT’S THE CREEPIEST HITLER EVER!” and they would be right. He would actually make Hitler more creepy than he actually is.

Seriously, horrible idea Mercedes Benz costume department.

5. Is it just me, or has the Devil got kind of cheap?

First, let’s get something straight. When you see a car commercial, the model shown in the ad is NEVER the cheapest one. NOT EVER. It’s usually the highest end model with all the bells and whistles. Believe me, if a car company could get away with filming an ad showing Xzibit install a hot tub, bowling alley and 10 Xboxes in their top car model they totally would. Then they would make you think you could get all that for the lowest price.

That’s why it says “STARTING at $29,900″ on the billboard. If you want to drive a Mercedes for under 30 grand go right ahead…but it’s going to suck. You’ll be lucky to have much beyond power locks and cruise control, and don’t be surprised when you go to plug in your iPhone and all it has is a CD player.

In the Bible, when Jesus was tempted on the mountain top, He was offered all the power and kingdoms in the world if he gave his soul to the devil. Fast forward to 2013, and what do you get for your soul? The lowest end model of Mercedes and a dance-off with Usher.

Come on, Satan. Pony up!

6. When Willem “Satan” Dafoe says “and everything that goes along with it” he didn’t mean this:

He meant all the real things that go along with owning a car: insurance, costly repairs, gas, tabs and registration. Believe it or not hipster guys, expensive cars are not just there to help you sneak into awards shows.

7. I won’t comment about how this lame hipster dude has no chance with Kate Upton because that’s obvious, but I will wonder what possible reason she would have to walk the red carpet.

No really, this isn’t the Oscars, Emmys or Golden Globes because those are all filmed during the day. Oh, and because I’m pretty sure Tower Heist and The 3 Stooges weren’t nominated for anything. My only guess is that this is at the MTV Movie Awards and she’s supposed to the Dougie in a skit with Will Ferrell.

And speaking of the red carpet…

8. Who are all these other “celebrities?”

Even hipster guy is like “Errrr, am I in the right place?”

9. I won’t comment about how this lame hipster dude wouldn’t stand a chance against Usher in a dance-off because that’s obvious, but I will wonder why those three girls ended up going to Vegas with him.

I think Usher was actually laughing at him for trying to dance, but hipster guy took it as “Hey, nice moves man” and pointed back to Usher. The three girls saw the exchange and took it as confirmation that this hipster guy was legit. Hipster guy was surprised, but played along since he was still sad after his break-up with Kate Upton.

10. Sooooo many things wrong with those magazine covers.

Traveler: He’s lying fully clothed on an inflatable mattress while in the pool. Also, the cover lists a bunch of countries as the perfect vacation spots, but Germany is not one of them. Interesting.

GQ: It advertises the “Best Gear and Gadgets of 2013” yet it’s only February. The “Hot New Filmmaker Sam McConnel” is neither hot or new. He’s only directed three unknown shorts – his last one in 2009.

Details: Aside from the awkward pose, I have no idea why anyone would want to read about “The Season’s Most Awkward Desserts.”

WIRED: It’s in Japanese, but I can only assume it reads “D-bag of the Year – Guy Who Sold His Soul For a Car” or something like that.

M: If this guy is the “new class of fashion” then why does he wear the same clothes for all of this photo shoots?

Vanity Fair: The headline reads “Return of the Hero” because riding a white horse bareback while holding a sword is heroic and not at all stupid.

Architectural Digest: One of the rare times they feature a person on the cover and they choose this guy. Really?

11. How come a group of 50 girls…

are all reading one magazine?

Or better yet, why are they reading a magazine? This is 2013, shouldn’t they all have their smart phones out looking at this guy’s photo on Instagram?

Also, he’s walking away from them in the shot. How does the crazed ginger fan recognize him from the magazine if all she can see is the back of his head?

Word of advice: if you’re really trying to get away from these girls…

12. Unless your name is Ricky Bobby…

Who actually dreams of becoming a race car driver?

Oh, and top speed for the Mercedes Benz CLA = 130/mph. Top speed for a Formula-1 car = around 200/mph. You do the math.

13. Satan made a huge mistake…the contract is in Latin.

Are you kidding? Hipster guy totally took Latin in college. Heck, he probably even majored in it.

14. Satan is also a terrible car salesman.

So the hipster guy is actually dangerously close to signing the contract, when he looks out the window just in time to see the price appear.

Hipster guy declines the offer with a “Thanks, but I think I got this.” What does Satan do? He just gets mad and disappears. No upselling, no counter offer, no showing him another car he might be interested in, no “well, let me go talk to my manager and see what we can work out.” Nothing.

15. So did the hipster make the right choice?

Probably, but the Mercedes Benz CLA doesn’t come out until September, and who knows what this guy’s soul will be worth in eight months. Maybe he should have sold high.

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Want to read more BADvertising? Check these out:

The Samsung Unicorn Apocalypse

Diet Coke and the Gardener

 

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