Seth MacFarlane hosted the 2013 Oscars, and if they served no other purpose than to give us something to make fun of then we’re all indeed thankful. There were surprises, funny moments, big winners and losers, and most of all – TWITTER WAS ON FIRE! So here’s a special Academy Awards edition of TWEEKED! The Best Tweets of the 2013 Oscars.

Best Oscar Predictions

Everyone tries to predict all of the Oscar winners, or … other stuff, I guess.

 

 

 

 

He does have a point.

Best and Worst of the Red Carpet

I’m not into fashion and “who’s wearing who” but come on…

WORST: Salma Hayek made the biggest mistake of her life

While Salma didn’t absolutely ruin the red carpet for me, she came very close with her uncharacteristically concealing dress. Seriously Salma, I’m not asking you to be the snake dancer woman in From Dusk Till Dawn, or pretty much every scene in After the Sunset, but this just wasn’t you. It was Bizarro Salma. Maybe we’ve been spoiled all these years. Is she still hot? Duh, yes. But just imagine the 4th of July without fireworks, or Easter without an egg hunt, or yeah…this:

Salma needs to be Salma. ALWAYS.

BEST: Chill out, Jamie Foxx is NOT dating his daughter.

WORST: But he does hit on Kelly Rowland in front of his daughter.

You know, it’s bad enough when you have to watch your parents slow dance or accidentally catch your parents kissing, but no one should have to witness their dad trying to get some play on national television. I know, I know … “at least it wasn’t Jack Nicholson,” but we’ll get to that later.

WORST: This is What Melissa McCarthy Should Have Done

Perhaps her stylist was out sick that day, or was just like “Yep, I’m going to run the blow dryer for a good hour, then tease it with the brush and BOOM!” but her hair reminded me of this:

BEST: That black blue chick from Avatar

Zoe Saldana wearing the dress Salma SHOULD have worn.

WORST: Kristen Stewart, followed by a bunch of these ??????????????

I can’t even begin to explain this person.

I can understand getting into character for your vampire movies, but you don’t need to remain that way for the rest of your life. My only thoughts are that she’s studying for a role where she plays a heroin addict … 20 years from now.

She literally looks like she woke up 15 minutes before this photo.

WORST: Pretty much every red carpet host except Seacrest

Yes, I’m looking at you Kristin Chenoweth, Kelly Osbourne, Ross Mathews, and that skeleton-looking chick married to that guy who won the first Apprentice show. Seriously, where’s Joan Rivers telling everyone they look like crap?

Chenoweth had to tell everyone she interviewed how short she was, and reminded me so much of that yippy dog chick from high school that wants everyone to sign her yearbook. She should probably stick to Broadway and being that drunk lady on Glee. Oh yeah, and this too:

I’m sure Ross Mathews is a funny, swell guy, but man he’s just tooooooo over-the-top gay for me. And believe me, we’re no strangers to gay people hosting the red carpet, so this is nothing new. But man, he’s almost like a caricature of a gay person. I swear gay dudes must watch him and be like “man, he’s realllllly gay.”

And yes, Seacrest’s hair was BIEBER-LEVEL ADORABLE.

BEST: All the red carpet interviewers trying to pronounce Quvenzhané Wallis’ name correctly.

You know they studied for like weeks and weeks.

BEST: I know, I know “Take a number!” but I’m crushing so super hard on Jennifer Lawrence right now

She just says and does what all the other celebrities WANT to say and do.

Best and Worst of Seth MacFarlane

BEST: He wasn’t the worst.

Was Seth MacFarlane the best Oscar host in history? No. Was he the worst in history? Not even close. There’s no way he was worse than David Letterman in 1994, or the travesty that was Anne Hathaway and James Franco in 2011. I’ve heard Jerry Lewis was pretty awful in 1959, but I’m not 120 years old so I wouldn’t have seen it. A lot of folks were super pissed at Chris Rock in 2005 for being “too mean” but those are the same folks who forgot that Chris Rock was hosting the Oscars and not their second grade teacher.

It’s what I call the “Ricky Gervais Effect” in that YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR, PEOPLE! You can’t hire MacFarlane to host a show and then get all offended when he makes some off-color racist jokes or sings a song about boobs. If Garry Shandling hosts you know you’ll get a bunch of self-deprecating comments about his hair or how many women won’t sleep with him. If Andy Dick hosts then you know he’ll inappropriately grope at least half the female presenters and then get arrested halfway through for drug possession. It’s just how it is, so don’t be surprised or shocked when it happens.

In turn, Seth should know that when the Oscars hired him to host, they don’t ACTUALLY want “Family Guy” Seth MacFarlane where nothing is off limits. They want “Oscars” Seth MacFarlane with a sprinkle of Family Guy and maybe a touch of Ted with some singing and dancing.

I think he was a good mix of both. Oh, and that smile.

Best: Seth threw out some pretty good zingers.

Chris Rock has nothing on him. Here’s a handful of the best ones:

Django is a movie where a woman is subjected to violence, or as we call it, a Chris Brown and Rihanna date movie.

Chastain’s character in “Zero Dark Thirty” is a celebration of every woman’s innate ability to never let things go.

To give you an idea of just how young Quvenzhané Wallis is, it will be 16 years before she’s too old for George Clooney.

And then he got after Ben Affleck and his hipster beard:

Ben Affleck  has gone from starring in Gigli to becoming one of the most respected filmmakers of this generation.

I feel like we’re six months away from having to call him Benjamin Affleck.

The first time I saw him with all that dark facial hair, I thought the Kardashians have finally made the jump to film.

But the ultimate zing of the night came when speaking about Daniel Day-Lewis’ amazing ability to get into his characters:

I would argue that the person who got most into Abraham Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth. Is 150 years too soon?

If it was his job to make everyone cringe then mission accomplished, which leads me to this:

WORST: Seth threw out some pretty BAD zingers too.

Seriously, I was prepared for a few racist jokes from MacFarlane, but FUNNY racist jokes.

I loved the “Flight” star Denzel Washington in all those “Nutty Professor” movies.

Ok, that was actually pretty good, but no one else there liked it so it should probably be a “worst” right? But seriously, that was the only funny one.

“Daniel Day-Lewis, your process fascinates me. You were totally 100% in character as Lincoln during the making of the movie … If you bumped into Don Cheadle on the studio lot, did you try to free him?

The last time Austria and Germany got together and co-produced something it was Hitler, but this is much better.

When mentioning Salma Hayek and Penélope Cruz:

We have no idea what they’re saying, but we don’t care because they’re so attractive.

As we all know, winning an Oscar guarantees a long, successful career in the industry. Look at last year: Jean Dujardin won best actor for The Artist and now he’s everywhere!

Never mind that Dujardin is HUGE in France, which is like being HUGE in Japan, I guess. Yeah, these ones just fell flat.

WORST: Apparently, you can’t tell Jew jokes unless you’re Jewish, but NOT if you’re a Jewish bear. Human Jews ONLY, please.

In the (pretty lame) Ted segment with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, MacFarlane used the animated teddy bear to make a joke about Jews controlling Hollywood, which of course is LUDACRIS. The bear, (voiced by MacFarlane) said:

I was born Theodore Shapiro and I would like to donate to Israel and continue to work in Hollywood forever.

OK, haha yeah we all chuckled because there’s usually about a hundred “Jews control Hollywood” jokes every Oscars, but the Anti-Defamtion League, a Jewish media monitoring group, said it was:

…offensive and not remotely funny. It only reinforces stereotypes which legitimise anti-Semitism.

But they should have added to that statement:

…unless a Jew tells the joke, then it’s HILARIOUS!

WORST: Tommy Lee Jones laughed.

No, don’t say “Ahhhh, see I told you he has a sense of humor,” because Tommy Lee Jones smiling … nay LAUGHING at the Oscars was terrible. How awesome would it have been for him to go the rest of his career and never, ever smile or laugh while at an awards show. Answer: EXTREMELY AWESOME. It could have been his “thing.” We like our Tommy Lee to be pissed off and not all giggly-googley like he just rode a unicorn.

WORST: The Flying Nun Thing

If you’re trying to appeal to a younger audience with having MacFarlane host, then why do you incorporate a TV character from the late 1960s into a sketch with him? Maybe this one was there so all the old celebrities could laugh at something.

WORST: The Flight Sock Puppet Thing

I’ve seen better sock puppet shows at my local library.

BEST/WORST: Taking almost 20 minutes for the opening monologue.

Yeah, everyone says “hey, let’s wrap this up and get on with the awards,” but what they forget is for the next 2 hours you have such interesting categories as Best Foreign Film, Best Documentary Short, Best Sound Mixing and Best … see, I’m falling asleep just typing it. The ideal awards show would be about 60% comedy sketches, 25% musical numbers/performances, and 15% awards.

Of course, this plan backfires when you don’t set your DVR to record for 6 hours past when it’s supposed to end and miss all the good awards.

WORST: When I said 25% musical numbers, I meant funny ones.

Yes, Seth has a great voice, but his little song/dance bits just weren’t entertaining at all. And if Channing is dancing on stage it better be Magic Mike or nothing at all. You hear me, Tatum? I’ve got my dollar bills out.

BEST: The Boob Song.

For one reason. This:

And she’s already won an Oscar, so no reason to show them now, right Jennifer? Sorry Kate Winslet and Halle Berry.

Best and Worst of the Awards

Worst: Anne Hathaway’s teeth grew back in nicely, but not the hair.

I’m not surprised about her teeth, because I’m pretty sure she has a spare row behind the ones you see. However, I really hope she’s keeping the short hair because Columbia Pictures is creating a sequel to Just One of the Guys. This time she’s in college and is writing an essay on how the football players get special treatment from the school, so she joins the team as the kicker and falls in love with the quarterback and HILARITY ENSUES! Please make this happen.

Also, in Les Miserables, am I the only one who thought she could have made more money as a prostitute if she didn’t pull all her teeth out? Like, she could have done the whole hooker thing first, and then when that ran it’s course she could have been like “Ok, let’s see how much these pearly whites are worth.” Just a thought.

There’s a lot of people who really truly hate Hathaway:

 

 

And maybe they have a point: No one likes to see someone who’s TOO happy. I know it’s terrible, but it’s human nature. All I know is each time she’s hosted Saturday Night Live she brings it, and if you know how bad the writing on that show is nowadays that deserves some props.

She is proof that dreams do come true, unless you already know they’re going to happen, and then it’s more like “See, I was right! Everyone be happy for me!!!!”

BEST: Joaquin Phoenix is the young Tommy Lee Jones, and he’s fantastic

Such a boss. He’s not even trying to care about being there. He’s so pissed and bothered that his name was even called, and he’s up for the Best Actor at the Oscars! It’s not like he’s waiting to see the dentist or being chosen for the Hunger Games. He’s incredible.

BEST: All the extras from the Lord of Rings movies won awards

Normally, I can only accept long hair on old guys in the following situations:

1. If he’s the leader of a biker gang.
2. If he’s a licensed masseuse.
3. If he’s a European on a nude beach.
4. If he’s a practicing wizard.

And now I apparently have to add “if he’s a sound editor” to that list, which brings me to a “worst” :

WORST: Ties are for soccer.

The Oscar for Best Sound Editing went to not one, but TWO films: Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty. Hey, I’m all for everyone getting their props and what not, but this category seems way more straight forward to judge than others. I know nothing about what makes good sound editing, but couldn’t the judges have watch both movies and kept a little tally sheet of each time there was a “good” sound edit? And maybe a negative tally for the “bad” sound edits? Then they could have added up all the sound edits for each movie and compared the grand totals. If they actually did that, and both Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty had the EXACT same number of quality sound edits, then that’s amazing.

WORST: The “In Memoriam” part

I couldn’t cry this year because I only knew about three of the dead people.

 

 

 

 

I guess it was a pretty healthy year for actors.

BEST: The women’s bathroom overflowed in the main lobby…

…And all eyes instantly turned to Melissa McCarthy. I say, brilliant viral marketing for Bridesmaids 2.

BEST: Seriously, is there any reason why Jennifer Lawrence shouldn’t rule the world?

She’s only 22 and just grabbed the Oscar for Best Actress from some pretty stiff competition. Yes, I know Meryl Streep wasn’t nominated, but a win is still a win. Just ask the 1994 NBA Champion Houston Rockets. You think they were mad Jordan was playing baseball? H to the no!

It’s not like winning the Best Actress award is as easy as stealing from an old lady.

WORST: Jennifer Lawrence actually stole from an old lady.

I felt bad for 86-year old Emmanuelle Riva, who was up for her performance in Amour, but she did win the Volpi Cup for Best Actress back in 1962. I’m sure that’s the same thing. And who knows, maybe in 60 years we’ll all like “hey, remember when Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars back in 2013!? Oh, didn’t she win something that year too?” Time will tell.

BEST: Better Jennifer Lawrence fell down on the stairs rather than an old lady.

Seriously, what if Emmanuelle Riva won and took a tumble down those stairs? We’d have the Lifecall “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” commercial live at the Oscars. Consider that, people.

BEST/WORST: I understand the tribute to music in film, but not everyone loved Chicago as much as Hollywood does

 

 

 

 

BEST: Daniel Day-Lewis already rules the world, and just ruled it some more

See, THIS is what it must have been like to play NBA Basketball when Michael Jordan was in his prime. They should really announce who got second, because Daniel Day-Lewis is clearly next level.

 

He’s the male Streep, or is Meryl the female Day-Lewis???

BEST: Using the Jaws music to cut off the long, boring winners speeches where they thank EVERYBODY

A nice change of pace from the regular “hurry it up” music, which normally just makes the winner’s speech sound like they’re talking over a Hallmark card.

WORST: Spielberg was robbed again by the Academy, but I think he’s used to it by now

It’s that attention to detail that he’s lacking. Maybe next year, Steven.

BEST: This GIF of Sandra Bullock

Which is the same face I make when I try to open the boxes of my kids’ Christmas presents.

WORST: What happened to all the hot models?

They were replaced by a United Colors of Benetton ad.

The producers decided against the traditional Oscar “trophy girls” who carry the trophy to the podium and instead used aspiring film students who all won some lame contest. This is not a “worst” for the great and exciting opportunity each of them had, but to the Oscar producers for being so intentionally obvious about being ethnically equal. Did they really pick all the best contest winners, or the best black, white, Asian and gay person?

WORST: Jack Nicholson isn’t the dirtiest old man in Hollywood.

Oh man just kidding, he totally is. And J-Law does what she does best … she acts like J-Law.

Is this what Jack does to all the women who win Best Actress? If so, now I wish the old lady won.

BEST: Michelle Obama announcing the Best Picture

Nothing more fitting from the world’s biggest celebrities.

BEST: This guy.

We’ll see you next year!

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