Samsung wanted to show off their fancy new Galaxy phones, so naturally they did what anyone else would do in this situation: THEY STARTED THE SAMSUNG UNICORN APOCALYPSE!

QUICK EVERYONE – RUN AND HIDE! SAVE YOUR CHILDREN! STOCKPILE YOUR SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS! AND DON’T FORGET TO … … … oh wait never mind, it’s just another crappy mobile app game. Carry on.

To promote the features of their Galaxy S3 and Galaxy Note 2, the folks at Samsung developed a completely awful video game about zombie unicorns, because we needed something to do since we’re all tired of Words with Friends and Temple Run. And don’t worry teenage girls and soccer moms, I’m sure there’s some vampires in the game too

But here’s the worst part about the game: THE SAMSUNG UNICORN APOCALYPSE GAME DOESN’T EVEN EXIST.

No, instead Samsung released a new TV spot that features a fictional gaming company whose employees do nothing but snark at each other about their mobile devices and eat danishes from their in-house café. Ok, if I’m being honest that actually sounds like a pretty cool place to work.

Take a look at the Samsung Unicorn Apocalypse ad:

While attempting to highlight the “powerful business sharing tools, levels of encryption, multi-tasking abilities, blah blah blah” of their new Galaxy products, Samsung also tries to persuade us that Blackberry phones should only be used “at work” because “BORRRRING,” and iPhones should only be used “at home” because “INSTAGRAM and FUUUUUUUN!”

However, they completely miss the message. What Samsung should be worried about is whether people will actually understand that their ad is about their new Galaxy devices and NOT a zombie game that NO ONE will be able to find in the App Store 40 days from now.

We’ll break down all of this – and much more – in this edition of BADvertising – The Samsung Unicorn Apocalypse.

Before I start, let’s get some things straight:

1. No, I will not be comparing the technical specs and features of the Galaxy with other smart phones because it’s called Google. Use it.

If you want to know which phone has the best dual core processor, battery life, WiFi encryption or other dorky stuff then find those things out for yourself. I could honestly care less about the Galaxy (or any other phones) and what they have to offer. I have better things to do with my time like catching up on Breaking Bad or kissing girls.

Which leads me to my next point:

2. Come on, admit it. Aren’t all mobile devices pretty much the same anyway?

Yeah ok, such-and-such device has a half inch bigger screen, but THIS device has a better processor, oh and LOOK AT THIS ONE: IT CAN PLAY NETFLIX!!!!!! Let’s just get real and come to terms that all these mobile devices and phones are not that much different from each other. Don’t believe me? I give it about two months until Apple sues Samsung…again.

And finally…

3. Raise your hand if you’re waaaaay more interested in the stupid Unicorn Apocalypse game than the Galaxy phones anyway?

Ok, hands down. I thought so.

Now, let’s meet the cast:

[ezcol_1third]
THE BOSS
He “means business” BUT he won’t kill himself in shame if he fails since he’s only HALF Asian.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
YOUNG WOODY ALLEN
I can already tell that I hate this guy, and it’s probably because of his Beethoven hair.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
HEAD SALES GUY
aka Vin Diesel. This bro LOVES his Blackberry and “Hell Nah!” if he’s changing phones.[/ezcol_1third_end]

[ezcol_1third]
HIPSTER SALES GUY
Another person I would hate. He’s too good to wear a sports jacket yet claims to love sports.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
ASIAN IT CHICK
If the smartest person at your company ISN’T Asian, then you’ll have problems.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
OFFICE LACKEY
I know, I know, “Tyler” looks like a terrorist, but I think he runs the in-house café.[/ezcol_1third_end]

[ezcol_1third]
OLD LADY ACCOUNTANT
She is waaaay too old to work here, and she has TWO PHONES that she doesn’t know how to use.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
YOUNG ACCOUNTANT
“Allie” has seniority in the accounting dept, but she’s “never raised kids.” Advantage: old lady.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
LEAD DEVELOPER
“Dave” works purely to support his drug habit, and actually thinks unicorns are real.[/ezcol_1third_end]
[ezcol_1third]
ZACK GALIFANAKIS
Fat developer guy totally agrees with everything Dave says, especially the unicorn part.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
TIM BURTON as himself
There’s no way his Unicorn Apocalypse movie could be any worse than “Planet of the Apes.”[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
This guy has no relevance in the ad, but his hair and full sleeve tattoos are fabulous.[/ezcol_1third_end]

There’s no way I would pretend to be a video game creator expert, but I’m pretty sure this company would never survive in the real world.

I counted roughly 60 employees in the opening shot. At a creative firm like this you would generally have some or all of the following departments: management, development (design/programming), research & development, sales, accounting, marketing/distribution, human resources, IT and I guess at this place – someone to run the bistro?

From the 60 employees shown here, there are at least seven developers (i.e. the people who ACTUALLY CREATE the game), which means that at least 80% of their staff is complete overhead (i.e. the people who generate ZERO revenue).

How do I know they have at least seven developers? Easy. Just count all the guys with headphones wrapped around their necks. They’re the only people in the office that would need to drown out everyone’s annoying conversations about their pets and “how much they worked out last week” in order to get any work done.

I won’t bore you with a bunch of math, but the cost to develop a high-end game for the Xbox 360 or PS3 is said to fall between $20-50 million, depending on the complexity of the game. Games that are more complex can get into the $80-100 million range. For example, a game like 2008’s Grand Theft Auto IV cost around $100 million to create. So next time you’re running people over on the sidewalk or shooting prostitutes, know that a lot of time and money went into you being able to do that.

Yep, it’s expensive. But that’s for THE COOL GAMES.

Now let’s talk mobile games, and it’s not such good news, people. First, let’s remember Young Woody Allen’s quote:

“Unicorn Apocalypse promises to be the BIGGEST mobile game we’ve ever launched!”

According to a 2012 study which surveyed more than 1,500 developers, the average per-app revenue is roughly $1,200 to $3,900 depending on the platform. (No, that’s not in millions). Additionally, an app has roughly a 35% chance of generating about $1 to $500. So basically, if this company is relying on mobile games as their main revenue source then they might as well be getting paid to drop the soap in a prison shower because it would have the same effect. Young Woody Allen wouldn’t last a day in the clink.

The study also showed the average cost to develop a simple mobile game is around $3,000 to $8,000, with the more complex costing between $50,000 to $150,000. I’m going to give this company the benefit of the doubt and say they’re being paid $150,000 to develop this game. This only leads me to believe that whomever is paying them to create this game also owns The Last Unicorn – 25th Anniversary Edition on Blu-ray.

Their bosses gave them a 4-week deadline to complete Unicorn Apocalypse, which judging by the groans from the employees means that this is an accelerated schedule and NOT the norm. (It’s true. Most quality games have at least a 2-year development phase). Soooo, I’m going to be extremely generous again and say they finish a new game every month, or basically 12 games a year.

And let’s just say they actually make $150,000 on each of those 12 games. That’s around $1.8 million in revenue. I’m even going to be BRO-OF-THE-YEAR and double that amount for all of the in-game advertising that Vin Diesel and his hipster sales buddy sold.

WE’RE AT $3.6 MILLION, PEOPLE!!!!! WE’RE RICH!!!!

Ok, that’s great and all, but now we have to pay our employees. I have no idea how much Half-Asian Boss makes compared to their noob programmer out of college, so I’m going to estimate their average salary at $65,000/year, but trust me…their payroll is probably much larger than this.

If we multiply that amount by 60 (the number of employees) then we come to a grand total of $3.9 million!!!!!!

$3.9 million > $3.6 million

And that’s just salaries, people. They still haven’t paid for electricity.

Well, great working with all of you! Best of luck in your future endeavors.

But what about Angry Birds?! That game has made a crap load of money!

Yes, Angry Birds cost around $140,000 to produce and has already generated around $70 million in revenue, so you do the math there. But if you believe that all or most games will have this same success then I have a great opportunity for you to work from home a couple hours a week and MAKE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!

Also, if Unicorn Apocalypse is supposed to be their “most successful” game, then I would hate to play ANY of their other games. Like, I wouldn’t even download them for my kids.

Help me out here: I’m trying to understand their work policy on phones.

Half-Asian Boss announces a new smart phone policy: To make things simple their employees can now use ANY phone they want to at work. This raises a few questions:

1. What phone(s) were acceptable to use prior to the announcement?
2. Do they provide company phones for some/all of the staff?
3. Why would they have a policy on what phones you can use at work?

The only phones that were obviously acceptable to use were the old Blackberry ones, as shown by Vin Diesel getting pissed at his D-Bag, hipster sales partner for asking him if he was going to “retire that thing.”

Old, Snippy Accountant Lady also called her Blackberry her “work phone” which leads me to also believe that yes, the company DID provide phones to at least some of the staff. UNLESS, that old lady is really THAT stupid and actually pays for two phones AND two phone plans just so she can take pictures of her dog.

And if they JUST announced the new policy, how is it that over half the staff already is already using the new Galaxy 3S phones? Did they bring them to work every day just hoping that their boss would allow them? That’s why I hate that little scrawny sales guy so much. BRO, YOU JUST GOT THAT PHONE!!! LAY OFF VIN DIESEL AND HIS BLACKBERRY!!!

Oh, and here’s the face I bet the Asian IT Chick made when she heard that the employees can bring ANY phone to work:

This company is constantly transferring sensitive and confidential info, so naturally they are going to require high levels of data encryption and security for all computers and mobile devices. But now, instead of IT Chick supporting one phone type, she has to be able to support EVERYTHING! Have an old Droid X? Bring it in! No problem!

So, nice job Half-Asian Boss. You not only pissed off your IT department, but you also committed Asian-on-Asian crime, and that’s unacceptable.

Remember how I said I wasn’t going to talk about the technical specs of the Galaxy phones or any other ones? Well, I lied.

This ad is already outdated considering that the new BlackBerry 10 phones make all the claims from this commercial completely irrelevant. So Samsung now looks stupid by trashing the Blackberry phones, UNLESS they make it so Unicorn Apocalypse only runs on the Galaxy 3S and Note 2. Which would be BRILLIANT!

How come if they JUST started working on this game they already have:

1. An animated logo?
2. Conceptual art?
3. CGI renderings?

The logo I can understand because it obviously looks like someone made it that morning.

Holy crap, how many sponsors are in this game?

Vin Diesel is “Fast & Furious” level pumped because he just made his sixth sale of the day. His dream crusher sales partner brags that he’s already at fifteen sales. That makes 21 in-game sponsors for Unicorn Apocalypse.

Dang guys, this is a video game, not NASCAR. Ease up on the sponsors.

Here’s a few reasons why the Hipster Sales Guy is such a massive toolshed:

1. Yeah we “get it” you LOOOOOOVE basketball, but which of these two guys would you actually want on your team during a pick-up game? VIN frickin’ DIESEL – that’s who! Because why?

2. Vin actually has a pair of hand grippers sitting on his desk. HE WILL DESTROY YOU, KID!!!

3. And why does the hipster kid make fun of Vin for having an older model Blackberry when he still burns CDs for people? Like, not even a flash drive or something, bro???

4. Vin already has a picture of the unicorn model pinned to his message board. Such a team player, that Vin. Such a team player.

A close-up view of the hipster sales guy’s phone reveals:

1. That he couldn’t possibly be “closing deals with clients” if they already have a Purchase Order (PO) Number listed next to their names. If they’ve already purchased something from you then why would you need to “close” anything with them? The deal has already been closed.

2. We’ve already established from the Old Accountant Lady’s phone that the date is Monday, January 21st. So what LIVE basketball game would he be watching at 10:58am? It’s not March Madness yet.

3. “Not all applications work with multi-window” means that very few actually do.

It also bothers me that this punk kid’s definition of “modern business” is to only half-work while watching basketball from an illegal-streaming website. And that’s why this game should have been made in India.

What’s up with all the crap on Asian IT chick’s desk?

Oh, that’s not crap. That’s all the stupid new Galaxy phones that she gets to spend the entire week programming to run securely on their network. “Tyler” the lacky developer guy is sent by the “partners” (aka bosses) to fetch their new Galaxy Note 2 devices so they can start using them. Wait, so let me get this straight: the bosses changed the phone policy at work – not because they wanted to “simplify” things – but because they both got fancy new gadgets!? Oh man, soooooo lame.

I’m so royally pissed if I’m the IT Asian Chick. So enraged.

Uh, hey Dave…

Lead programmer, and avid drug user, “Dave” needs to watch a few episodes of The Walking Dead and learn himself some basic Zombie 101. When has a zombie EVER tried to prevent an Apocalypse??? NEVER EVER EVER EVVVVVVER has this happened. And shouldn’t this have been something you figured out long before sitting down to create the game?

Basically this proves that while obviously having no Research & Development department, they probably don’t have script writers either.

Uh, hey everyone…

Real life unicorns DO NOT have rainbow blood and glittery manes. They’re beautiful, magical creatures, not a girl you’d meet at a rave. No seriously, have any of you even read Harry Potter or Wikipedia? If a zombie were to bite a unicorn and taste it’s blood, the zombie would be the one who was cursed, not the unicorn. In many ancient cultures, the unicorn horns were used to purify water, cleanse the body of diseases, neutralize poisons and even heal lepers. I’m pretty sure a zombie bite would be harmless. BOOM! There goes your game concept.

Good thing Dave “knows a guy” named Oleg who can get them “Swedish energy drinks.”

And by “energy drinks” I of course mean bags and bags of cocaine.

Oh, and by the way, Dave…

“Oleg” is a Russian name, not Swedish.

I’ve already talked about how insanely stupid Old Accountant Lady’s mobile phone system is…

…but that doesn’t mean YOU GET TO DISRESPECT IT, ALLIE!

But it’s even worse when they both visit the bosses’ office to explain how they’re already over budget on the game development.

“Redundancies” ARE NOT having two separate phones. That’s just being stupid. However, redundancies DEFINITELY ARE…

Being $400,000 over budget on a project that isn’t even finished yet.

Ok, so make that $3.2 million in revenue for the year instead of $3.6 million. It still means over half the employees will be laid off.

“Am I sensing sarcasm here?” – Allie

No, you’re sensing an unusually high level of D-baginess, and unfortunately they are your bosses.

See, this is where the HALF Asian part of him comes out. If a real Asian found out they were $400,000 over budget he’d be flinging himself off the roof of that building.

Two awesome things happen when the game is leaked online:

1. Half-Asian Boss says it’s “no big deal” (because he’s probably the one who leaked it). As a result, the Asian IT Chick finally EXPLODES! She has been holding in that rage FOR THE LONGEST TIME!

2. We get to see a brief glimpse of the game play:

Unicorn Apocalypse IS NOT a first-person shooter???

Unicorn Apocalypse is not a first-person shooter.

If they even charge 99 cents for this game WE WILL RIOT!

“Hey, thanks to everyone for their dedication to launch this game. As a gift of appreciation for your sacrifice, everyone gets…”

Hahahahaha oh man, all of the sudden Half-Asian Boss thinks he’s on Oprah’s Favorite Things. YOU GET A FLIPCOVER! AND YOU GET A FLIPCOVER! AND YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU! And I guess the employees who didn’t buy a Galaxy 3S or Note 2 are stuck with nothing.

Lebron James allegedly tweeted about his addiction to Unicorn Apocalypse…

… but then he found out his Twitter account was hacked.

Oh, and you know Tim Burton will make a Unicorn Apocalypse movie…

…but only if Johnny Depp gets to play the unicorn.

UPDATE: The game now exists!!!! But it sucks, apparently. Samsung held a developer contest since they were too lazy to make it themselves.

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Want to read more BADvertising? Check these out:

Diet Coke and the Gardener

Mercedes Benz Has No Soul

 

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If you want a sneak peek of Unicorn Apocalypse: Horn of Darkness, then follow me on Twitter @dirtyofthesouth