No, that is not a picture of James Franco from that Spring Breakers movie, it’s RiFF RaFF Y’ALL! And he’s “Sleepless in Seattle,” FOR REALZ!

Oh, and he’s also the BIGGEST D-bag in the history of hip-hop. Like, THE biggest.

No seriously, just imagine combining Kanye, Soulja Boy, Lil’ Wayne and a HUMONGOUS helping of Chris Brown into a blender, MIX DAT DRAAANK UP, top it off with your favorite diamond-encrusted umbrella, pour and serve. Congratulations! You just made your first RiFF RaFF cocktail! (Bonus points if you drink it out of that horrible bejeweled ICEE cup necklace he’s wearing).

WAIT, WHAAAA? This is a real person?

Yup. He was actually born Jody Christian, and he’s a rapper from Houston, Texas. I’ll first give him mad props since “RiFF RaFF” is technically an upgrade from his parents giving him a girl name. And NO, don’t try to convince me that it’s just like “Alex” or “Jamie” or some other unisex name. Jody is a straight up chick name, people. STRAIGHT UP, SON! EVEN RIFF KNOWS THAT! THAT’S WHY HE CHANGED IT!

Well, unfortunately Mr. RaFF’s series of good decisions goes downhill from there.

RiFF RaFF started rapping on Myspace and YouTube back in 2008, but you probably didn’t know who he was until he was a contestant on the 2009 MTV reality show From G’s to Gents, which I guess was a show where they took the world’s worst human beings and tried to make them … … … less worst?

If you still don’t know who he is don’t worry, you’re not alone. You see, RiFF RaFF was eliminated from the series on just the second episode, because yes … he was even too douchy for an MTV reality show.

Long story short – he was soon contacted by rapper former MTV VJ Simon Rex (aka Dirt Nasty) and the rest is history. The two became the homiest of homies and they probably recorded a bunch of terrible raps together.

Now, this would also have gone largely unnoticed if not for the biggest mistake RiFF RaFF ever made in his life, which is saying a lot because have you seen some of his tattoos?

No, he decided to come to Seattle and make this:

First, I apologize if you watched the whole thing. I’m truly sorry.

Yes, this atrocity of a rap video is for his “Sleepless in Seattle” track that gives TONS of shout-outs to Seattle sports stars … … … from the 80s and 90s. Oh, and of course there’s plenty of partying, and drugs and hoochies mixed in the song too, because SEATTLE, YO! PIKE PLACE BE THROWIN’ SOME MAAAAAD FISHES!!!!

Yes, and I’m positive Sir Mix-A-Lot and Macklemore are totally ready to do this to RiFF RaFF right about now:

Why is he in Seattle anyways?

Exactly. What’s perplexing is why RiFF RaFF – a Houston native – decided it was important to rap about Seattle sports stars when there are PLENTY of guys from Houston teams to choose from. For example, why spend all that time in Seattle if you’re just losing sleep? How about a song called “Dream Shake” and spend the whole time just droppin’ rhymes about Hakeem Olajuwon? Or I’m sure there are plenty of words that rhyme with Craig Biggio like … … … well, I’m sure there are some.

If you want to steal Seattle sports stars we’ll even give you former University of Washington QB Warren Moon, who played nine seasons for the Houston Oilers. There are TONS of words that rhyme with “moon.”

And speaking of Seattle sports stars…

NONE of the guys you rapped about – Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton, Ken Griffey, Jr. or … Brian Bosworth (really ???) – have even been relevant in the Seattle sports scene since the late 1990s. Kemp was traded to Cleveland in 1997 and got super fat, and a declining Payton was sent to the Bucks in 2003. Nevermind that the Sonics haven’t even existed since 2008 after a controversial movement of the team to Oklahoma City, so thanks for reminding Seattle fans about that. And yes, I realize that Griffey came back to the Mariners in 2009 after being traded to the Reds way back in 2000, but we all know why that happened: to sell tickets. Bosworth was NEVER relevant and is only famous for being run over murdered by Bo Jackson.

In fact, the only current Seattle sports figure shown in the video is #BEASTMODE running back Marshawn Lynch, nearly two minutes into the song. And it’s only a shot of his banner. [sigh]

However, I can understand not choosing to rap about former Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck:

“Don’t hassle heck”… “I’ve got a castle deck”… “I like your tassel neck”… “I’m like a frazzled Czech”

Almost like trying to rhyme with “orange.”

Can we pause and talk about RiFF RaFF’s tattoos for a second?

Never mind the terrible craftsmanship on those tats (did he even entertain the idea of having a professional do them?). RiFF RaFF is either a NASCAR in human form or a billboard for things that simply make no sense. For instance:

1) Although “MTV Riff Raff” was his original stage name, I think the last time MTV actually played a music video was probably the last time Shawn Kemp also played for the Sonics. Ok, now his sports star choices make more sense.

2) Your video would NEVER be played on BET because you are neither black nor entertaining.

3) We can’t see the rest of the sentence, but I’m sure it says: “Dear Jesus, Please let me … continue to be the most awful person in the whole wide world.” It stretches across his entire back.

4) Of course, Bart Simpson because, SCIENCE!!!!

5) I know it’s supposed to say “National Ballers Association” but it looks like he was a couple bucks short of affording the whole tattoo, so it reads more like “Nat Onal Ballers As Ociation” or something.

6) 7 Time All Star at what? Probably drinking Zimas.

7) Of course, “Texas” written in a Chinese Restaurant font because, ETHNICITY, YO!

8) Oh my.

9) Stacks on Deck (S.O.D.) Entertainment is Soulja Boy’s record label founded in 2004. However, at no point was RiFF RaFF ever signed with them. So yes, he got the tattoo before having a contract, which is kind of like getting a tattoo of a girl you’ve been dating just before she breaks up with you.

Ok, now let’s talk about some of the lyrics:

Versace baby rattle, got me sleepless in Seattle

A simple Google search proves that no, Versace DOES NOT make baby rattles, and if they did then any parents who would buy them for a 3-month old are probably just as horrible as RiFF RaFF is. This can only mean that it’s a cryptic drug reference, and it is. Apparently that’s the sound pills make when you shake them in your pill holder thingy. Sorry … your VERSACE pill holder thingy.

The way I ball could’a played for the Seahawks

The only season RiFF RaFF would’ve had a chance to make the Seahawks team would’ve been in 1992, when Seattle went 2-14. They only scored 140 points the entire season (an NFL record) and amassed a meager 1,778 passing yards, the fewest in a season by any team during the 1990s. I WOULD HAVE LOVED for RiFF RaFF to be on that team so we’d all know exactly who to blame for sucking so incredibly bad.

Hide a whole bottle of Zima in the Aquafina

Knew it. You know he totally loves Bartles and Jaymes too.

I come through with more sacks than Brian Bosworth

Brian Bosworth had a grand total of 4 career sacks and played only two seasons, so really not that hard to have MORE than him. Why didn’t you rap about Jacob Green, who finished with almost 98 career sacks? Tons of words rhyme with “green.” Or what about Cortez Kennedy, who had 58 sacks?

I come through with more sacks than Cortez Kennedy.
We in the limo, with the ladies, drinkin’ Hennessy.

Yo RaFF, that will be $500 for writing better lyrics than you.

All this rice up in my saddle, got me sleepless in Seattle

I know Seattle has a lot of Asians, but that’s a little racist.

Smokin’ SuperSonic chronic just like Shawn Kemp

This explains Kemp ballooning up to over 300 lbs. when he went to Cleveland.

I had to buy the Benz cause this ain’t cheap talk
Park it at the stadium and watch the Seahawks
It’s rainin’ but I still get a car wash

Yes ok, it rains a lot in Seattle, so then why are you wearing sunglasses, bro?

Condo downtown, right next to King Griffey

Ken Griffey Jr. and his family live in Winter Garden, Florida.

I can see the whole state from the balcony

And a few things about the video:

My favorite part is…

…where RiFF RaFF and Dolla Bill Gates are talking to each other on their cell phones despite being a few feet from each other totally reminded me of that scene in Clueless.

And the worst job in the world goes to…

…the girl who has to put on RiFF RaFF’s jewelry for him. She would be better off stripping.

Lemme guess…

…Versace made your weed too.

What is it, like $10,000 an ounce?

So, nice try RiFF RaFF.

May we never see your diamond-encrusted face around Seattle ever again.

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If you love Seattle sports, follow me on Twitter @dirtyofthesouth