In the season finale of ABC’s The Bachelor, Sean gives the final rose to one of two women: Catherine or Lindsay. Will he make the right decision, or will it be another Bach-saster?

But first, let’s step back in time.

I wonder if Emily knew back in Curaçao that by sending Sean home she would be relegating him to a life where he would have to choose his future wife between Lindsay and Catherine.

There is nothing wrong with either of these women, but going from dating Emily Maynard to choosing between the girl who showed up drunk in a wedding dress and the girl who no one knew existed before week seven and still uses the term hunk is a significant fall.

Going into tonight’s episode I felt the same way I did watching the 2011 Final Four when the 11th seed VCU was playing the 8th seed Butler. It was hard to imagine either team going to the final, but one of them had to win.

This season went a lot like a typical season of Survivor. There were the strongest members in the tribe (Lesley and Des) that seemed to dominate for most of the time until they eventually got sent home and replaced by the underdogs who kept a low profile (Lindsay and Catherine). The only difference is Sean was the one doing the choosing rather than the entire tribe.

I was pretty confident that Lindsay was going to win. I don’t know what I was basing this on, but I guess it goes back to the Final Four analogy: one of them HAS to win. I just saw Catherine as the lower seed who was lucky to make it as far as she did. When Lindsay emerged from the car as the first woman on the scene I was extremely surprised. The underdog got beat by another underdog.

The final rose is all about not getting to Sean first. I’m always surprised that the girls aren’t looking for more clues as they pull up to find out if anyone has been there before. I would definitely be looking up how to say “have you driven anybody else here today” in Thai and then surveying the area for tire tracks.

Let’s look at Sean’s breakup:

“Hi. You look beautiful.”

Good start Sean, now break her heart!

“You have been such a surprise. I didn’t see our relationship coming. I knew from the start that I’ve loved hanging out with you and being around you, but i didn’t know the depth that I would find.”

Where are you going with this Sean? I know how this ends but even I’m confused of where you are going at this point.

“Every time I’m with you i’m so amazed. I’m amazed at your strength and courage and love and generosity. You blow me away. You really do.”

At this point Lindsay is 100% convinced that she just won The Bachelor. She’s trying to remember if there is a cash prize for first or not.

“Ummmmm”

At this point Lindsay should realize that either Sean’s monologue is about to take a drastic change, or he has run out of nice things to say about her. Either way, not a good sign.

“Lindsay this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want to give you my heart so bad but my heart is leading me somewhere else and as of yesterday I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Lindsay pretty much knows what’s coming now. This would be a great time for Sean to just say, “I’m sorry Lindsay I have to let you go. Goodbye.”

“I’ve been so confused and I’ve been searching for clarity and praying for clarity and I think I’ve finally gotten it. And now I have to say goodbye to you.”

In other words, what I am saying is I prayed and God told me that I shouldn’t marry you. Why do people ever say this??? It’s perfectly fine to tell somebody that you prayed and now you know they are the one but you should NEVER tell somebody that the answer to your prayer was to break up with you. Talk about kicking a person when they are down.

“And it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because I know how incredible you are.”

– Keep going on about how hard this is for you Sean, I think that is definitely helping.

“And I love you, that’s the hardest part I love you, I know I do. I’m sorry.”

Now obviously The Bachelor must have a rule or something for not being able to say anything that even remotely resembles I love you to any of the Bachelorettes until the final rose. So Sean decides that it would be a good idea after weeks and weeks of not saying “I love you,” to drop it on Lindsay during his breakup speech. Then he enforces that point by saying “I know I do,” as if to say, “and I’m not just saying that.”

Well played Sean, you really know how to let a girl down easy.

Catherine got proposed to and commended Sean on his great selection for the wedding ring (as if choosing between five rings that are all worth as much as a BMW is hard) Then she proceeded to rub his abs while saying “This is all mine!” as everyone in America did this:

Then they fulfilled one of Catherine’s lifelong dreams and rode an elephant off into the sunset.

Sean and Catherine sat down to discuss their relationship with Chris Harrison on After the Final Rose. I’m sure it was a nice change of pace for Chris to be with a couple that looked genuinely excited to be together. He was able to ask them about their wedding plans rather than play Dr. Phil and try and sort through their relationship problems.

Their big announcement was that when (I say “if”) they get married, it will be aired on ABC. That is pretty cool I guess, but if it gets in the way of Modern Family then I am gonna be pissed.

Sean has also announced that he will be a contestant on this season of Dancing With the Stars. With the increased notoriety and celebrity that will result, I think it is very unrealistic to believe that him and Catherine will live happily ever after. Once Sean out-dances Andy Dick and Jacoby Jones he will upgrade.

The most exciting revelation of the night was that Desiree is going to be the next Bachelorette. After this season I’ve decided that I might enjoy The Bachelorette more than The Bachelor. Maybe it’s because watching guys act like girls is funnier than watching a bunch of girls struggle to get along. Let’s just hope that this next season of The Bachelorette is at least as entertaining as the possible sitcom Des could have with her brother: “Desiree, a 26 year old bridal stylist living in New York is ready to find love. But that’s not so easy when she lives with her overprotective brother. Hilarity ensues as Desiree desperately tries to find a boyfriend that her brother won’t chase away.” I could definitely see that on CBS right after “Two Broke Girls.”

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