If there were a best and worst reason to watch even five minutes of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” before totally slitting both your wrists, then I offer you this consolation: IT’S THE ONLY TRUE REALITY SHOW ON TELEVISION TODAY!
Yes, this show is actually happening. 11-time Olympic medalist and ultimate bro Ryan Lochte pushes us head first into the shallow end of his daily life as he trains for the 2016 Games in Rio, and he’s not afraid to hold anything back. Between constantly shouting his favorite catchphrase “JEAH!” and going through more red solo cups than an all campus frat party, Ryan Lochte makes it absolutely clear what he would do: WHATEVER THE CRAP HE WANTS TO!
Sadly, that might be the “worst” reason to watch the show. He doesn’t really “do” anything. Well…anything important, that is. He’s a cross between a high school senior and a 3-year old puppy: too stupid to keep from running in front of a speeding car, but too young and invincible to care about the consequences.
And yet there’s something about this living cartoon character that we can’t turn away from. Similar to how a passerby would treat a car wreck…an ADORABLE car wreck that winks at you. Obviously, his looks and talent have carried him far beyond anywhere he expected to be, but then again, did Ryan Lochte ever have any expectations to begin with?
I guess he’ll never know.
Let’s take a look at the best and worst of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Episode 1 was jam packed with tons of bro time, a flag football game, family bowling night, a hot date, and plenty of camouflaged cargo shorts. PLENTY.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had a huge posse of bros?”
Duh, he would name them the “Lochterage”. (I kid you not). Let’s meet the team:
RYAN “JEAH” LOCHTE
Sushi lover, fashion designer and biggest BRO on the planet. Oh, and Olympic gold medalist too.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
“LIL BRO” DEVON
Ryan’s younger bro. Biggest fear is “skinny jeans” because they don’t match his tuxedo t-shirts.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
“ASSISTANT” GENE
Yes, Ryan Lochte actually has “a black friend.” Gene smells a bromance coming too.[/ezcol_1third_end] [ezcol_1third]
MAMA “IKE”
Ryan’s mom and self-professed “cryer” at EVERYTHING he does. I cried when she said “JEAH!”[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
“MEAN” KRISTIN
Ryan’s older sister who hates ALL of the girls he dates and pretty much hates life in general.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
“QUIRKY” MEGAN
Described as the “free-thinking” sibling, which means she’s probably really, really smart.[/ezcol_1third_end] [ezcol_1third]
“COACH” MIKE
Lets Lochte leave training early to drink with his bros cuz the Olympics are “still 3 years away.”[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
“MYSTERIOUS” JAIMEE
Ryan’s sort-of girlfriend from London, and the only girl the entire family has ever liked.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
“1ST DATE” MEGAN
She’s moving to California but still gets a free dinner from Ryan. She loves his eyes.[/ezcol_1third_end] [ezcol_1third]
“DANCER” ALYSSA
Comes on to Lochte by claiming she’s a ballet dancer. Impressive if he knew what ballet was.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
“SKEPTICAL” GIRL
Won’t date Lochte because she doesn’t appreciate his pick up line: “Hey” [wink, wink][/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
#LOCHTENATION
This group of bros – aka the Lochterage – goes anywhere Ryan does. They LOVE cargo shorts.[/ezcol_1third_end]
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had his own fashion line?
SUMMARY: Ryan wants to make it in the fashion world, which is ironic since he’s shirtless for about 95% of his life. He shows off his enormous shoe collection and talks about his sense of style. The only problem is that he forgot how to talk:
http://vimeo.com/65075999&w=660
BEST: “Reality” is what makes a good reality show, even if it makes you look drunk or stupid or both.
You think Lochte gives a crap if he can’t remember all the parts of a shoe or blacks out while trying to talk about his favorite shirt? No. He keeps the cameras rolling because Ryan keeps it real.
WORST: Good luck selling all those shoes and shirts with your name or catchphrases on them.
Ok, yes those “not ugly” green shoes are “one-of-a-kind” and have your name plastered on the bottom, but what happens when you mass-produce those bad boys? Doesn’t the uniqueness go away?
How many 12-year old boys are waiting for the next “Lochtes” to come out? You’re an Olympic swimmer, not Michael Jordan. And is anyone else bothered by someone owning a million pairs of shoes who spends a majority of their day in a pool?
“RYAN LOCHTE’S RUNNIN’ EVERYWHERE!” No he’s not…he’s swimming and bar hopping everywhere.
BEST: “What is the ‘LOCHTE EDGE’ ?”
And yet he defines it with that answer. His “edge” is that he can win 11 medals at the Olympics despite not knowing why he likes shoes so much.
BEST: Lochte not only makes up pretend catchphrases, he makes up real words too.
hmmm, except:
There is no end to his genius.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he played flag football with his friends?”
SUMMARY: Ryan calls the bros together for a friendly game of flag football, OR SO IT SEEMS until he makes a bet with his lil’ bro Devon. He loses the bet, and now Ryan has to detail Devon’s car with a toothbrush, BUT HE DIDN’T SAY WHO’S TOOTHBRUSH!!!! (Spoiler alert: it’s Devon’s).
BEST: The Lochterage wears activity-appropriate clothing.
Devon can’t help wearing his tuxedo t-shirt, but it’s fine since it’s IRONIC. Don’t you get it??? You don’t wear a tux to a football game. I see no cargo shorts amongst the Lochterage. Well done.
WORST: The Lochterage doesn’t use activity-appropriate liquid holders.
Seriously bros, red kegger cups? You’re playing a sport, not celebrating your graduation. You can still totally put your Captain Morgan in a water bottle, thermos or canteen. I would accept any of those.
WORST: The definition of a “Lochterage” only raises more questions.
Webster’s Urban Dictionary defines a “Lochterage” as an “inner circle dedicated to ‘turning it up’ at all times,” but now I feel like I need to know what “turning it up” means. What if “turning it up” means “to get so ‘hyped on bringing it’ that nothing matters.” Now I’m not real sure what he means by “hyped on bringing it”. Ohhhhhh Lochte, this is a vicious cycle you’ve created.
BEST: Lochte is on the “skins” team…
…because OF COURSE HE IS! Bro can’t help himself.
BEST: “My philosophy on flag football is real simple: go big or go home.”
Ryan played quarterback for the skins despite “not knowing anything about flag football” according to his black bro, Gene. That didn’t stop him from taking it to the house Tebow-style, and nailing that blonde bro-ette in the head for the extra point.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh please tell me jumping up and down like an idiot is called “Lochte-ing”. I love the pure joy between Ryan and Gene here. They are such good bros.
WORST: Ryan Lochte could still probably play for the New York Jets.
If that touchdown was the highlight of game, then there were plenty of low lights. Here’s Lochte’s final stats at quarterback (probably):
Touchdowns: 1
Passing yards: 50
Rushing yards: 60
Interceptions: 1,000
Pick-sixes: at least 1, since that’s how Devon won their bet.
But are his football stats any surprise? I mean, after all…
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he hosted a party?”
SUMMARY: After the big game, Ryan invites the Lochterage over to his crib for a night of partying. He decides to “turn it up” and moves the party to 101 Cantina, a local bar. There he meets Megan – someone actually dumber than he is – so OF COURSE he asks her out.
WORST: There’s enough food at this party to feed all of China…twice.
Seriously, you know that each one of you will be throwing this up in about 3 hours from now, right? Ok, as long as we’re clear.
And they probably had enough alcohol to get the entire earth drunk…twice.
BEST: Gene is always happy. ALWAYS.
No seriously, Gene might end up being the best person on this show. Look at the pure joy on his face as he toasts with the Lochte boys. OHHHHH, RYAN HAS A TRICK UP HIS SLEEVE AND ONLY GENE KNOWS WHAT IT IS!!!!
WORST: Lochte is wearing the t-shirt of one of his favorite sayings: “TURN IT UP!”
Isn’t that like going to a concert and wearing the the t-shirt of the band you’re going to see? Don’t be THAT guy! I wouldn’t throw on my Nike shirt and then walk around shouting “Just Do It!” everywhere.
I can only assume it’s also on his shirt so he won’t forget it.
AND SIT DOWN, GENE! Don’t encourage him.
WORST-ER: “Swoah” ?????????
This is what it says on the back of Lochte’s shirt:
And for the life of me I cannot figure out what two words he’s combining to make such an awful phrase. “Woah!” has got to be the second word, but the “S” at the beginning could be anything. Or, it could just be “Woah!” and the “S” is there because that’s how a drunk idiot would say it, like “Swoah! Pour me another drink, bartender.”
“Oh, Urban dictionarrrrrrry, some help here please!!!!”
SWOAH (suh-woe-ah): being drunk and the inability to stand upright, or walk straight. It is said when one is about to fall down or “eat it.”
And I guess Lochte would know.
BEST: “For me, being Ryan Lochte is just fun.”
Ahhhhhhhh. Out of the mouth of babes, I tell ya.
WORST: Not EVERY girl likes you, Ryan.
Here Lochte “escorts” two lovely ladies into the kitchen, where they were already walking in the first place. The black-haired one is like “Uhhhh, thanks” which means only one thing to the Lochte: SHE WANNNNTS ME!
BEST: Lochte shuts down a girl because she’s not a real ballet dancer.
Meet Alyssa – by far the hottest girl at the party – and maybe, probably NOT a ballet dancer like she claims. It doesn’t stop her from trying to get a piece of Lochte. However, this is one game of Candyland that Ryan DOES NOT intend to lose. He calls her out and makes her stand on her toes, which every ballerina should be able to do even if they’re six cups deep on a bottle of Vodka.
Nice try, Alyssa. If you would have just said “dancer” you might be Mrs. Lochte right now.
You take your incredibly hot self and exit…stage right.
WORST: Lochte needs to learn about syllables.
When describing Alyssa to the camera he starts to call her “sexy,” but then tries to stop himself mid-word and switches to “beautiful” instead. Only he really doesn’t stop mid-word and he ends up calling her “sex” followed by “beautiful.” Not sure why he felt the need to catch himself – maybe he didn’t want to offend anyone – but I really don’t think it’s the first time someone may have referred to her in that way.
What’s great is just five minutes later he calls her “sexy as anything.” It was probably the alcohol talking.
BEST: Lochte answers questions…with questions.
This might be one of the best moments of this episode. Lochte is asked if he’s a “player” and instead of going defense, he goes offense and throws it right back on the interviewer:
That’s right E! Network – CHECKMATE!
BEST: “Pick-up lines? Never heard of ’em.”
Look, I know this chick is just trying to be known as “I shot down 11-time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte on national TV” girl, but she’s completely in the wrong here. All Lochte said to her was:
A) If she wanted to go to dinner, and
B) He was paying.
No frills, no gimmicks, no cheesy pick-up lines, yet she treats him like one of the Czechoslovakian Brothers from Saturday Night Live.
YES, IT DOES WORK WITH EVERYBODY! That’s why he says it. Do you really think Lochte could come up with a good pick-up line himself without reading one of Devon’s Maxim magazines?
Hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame, skeptical chick. You passed up an opportunity to have a free dinner with an Olympic champion. No one said you had to get married.
WORST: This girl is not familiar with the rules of dating.
Ryan finally convinces some blonde chick named Megan to come outside with him so he can ask her out, LOCHTE-STYLE! She thinks dinner with Lochte means he’s cooking for her. WHAT!? Cooking for someone is not something you do on a first date. That’s like 5th to 10th date stuff, sweet cakes.
BEST: Lochte is a Priceline graduate.
He negotiates her down from “I’ll cook dinner for you” to “How about I pick you up, and yeah I’ll promise that you’ll get home safe.” HAHAHAHA, oh man Lochte, William Shatner has NOTHING on you!
See girls, you can’t decide if you want to punch him in the face or have his babies.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had to train for the Olympics after an all-night bender?”
WORST-EST: I asked you to do ONE THING!
Ryan can’t remember how many Olympic medals he has.
Bro, you are only good at one thing in this life, and DO NOT say “TURNIN’ IT UUUUUPPPPP!” or so help me!!!! You are an Olympic champion and world record holder. That’s it. You HAVE to remember how many medals you have. You just have to. Gene would not even smile at this behavior. This gets zero “Jeah’s”.
BEST: “You gotta be a man at night, and you gotta be a man in the morning.”
Sometimes it seems like the harder Lochte trains the more he expects to drink that night. He might be a bro, but he’s a bro with work ethic.
BEST-EST: “Do you still pee in the pool?”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…when he goes out with his family?”
SUMMARY: Ryan goes on a family bowling night, but it was basically an excuse for his mom and sisters to rag on him about his dating life. They all want him to get together with “Jaimee,” some mysterious, faceless woman who lives in London. Oh, and Lochte sucks at bowling too, BTW.
WORST: I would classify this as a “high risk” activity.
Seriously, his trainer and sponsors must hate him.
WORST: Ryan is totally fascinating and entertaining, but the rest of his family is boring and terrible.
I already know it’s going to be a long season if they keep showing scenes of Lochte with his lame family. No really, they are like the worst. Ryan’s at his best when he can just be a total bro, shout “JEAH!” at the top of lungs about 100 times, and just make a fool of himself.
He doesn’t need his raggy sister Kristin telling him how all of his girlfriends “suck,” even though technically chicks he goes on one date with are not his girlfriend. Devon is such a poser and doesn’t even look good in cargo shorts. Megan gets after Ryan about his bowling skills, but then she’s doing crap like this:
And if I have to hear his mom’s screechy voice…or worse, hear her say “JEAH!” one more time, someone’s gonna get cut. I know the show has to include them because he’s such a big “family guy” or whatever, but man they’re on a short leash with me.
WORST: A long distance relationship would never work for Ryan Lochte.
Don’t they know by now that he’s more of a short distance guy [swim joke]. Yet his entire family wants to him to get together with this girl Jaimie who lives all the way in London. We see glimpses of them together through “flashbacks,” but we never see her face. This means she either wants complete anonymity, or she’s that embarrassed to be with Lochte.
BEST: “Jaimee is the longest roller coaster I’ve ever been on.”
Best line of the episode, or maybe ever.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…on a date with Megan?”
SUMMARY: He can’t remember much about Megan, other than she was blonde and had a nice rack upper body. He takes her for sushi and they have a few laughs, but then he learns she’s moving to California soon and he wonders if he’ll ever find true love. Ryan Lochte has sad face.
WORST: Megan has no idea what won-tons are.
Ok, she’s never had sushi either, so I’ll cut her some slack, but…
WORST-ER: Neither does Lochte.
He calls them “crisp flakes.”
WORST-EST: Ryan pours his heart out to her and she follows up with:
“You have pretty eyes!”
She’s like the dog in that movie Up.
BEST: There were too many Megans anyway.
Lochte’s sister is a Megan (which would already be kind of awkward), and Gene’s girlfriend is named Megan too. Seriously, go to L.A. “I don’t know what won-tons are” Megan. If Ryan actually dated you that would be breaking soooooo many bro codes it’s not even funny.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…during movie night with his sisters?”
WORST: The Lochtes have not been to the movies recently.
None of them suggested a movie that was newer than the year 2000. Maybe their local Blockbuster got hit by the Y2K virus and is stuck in a time warp.
BEST: What WOMAN Want
Lochte can’t even care enough to pronounce his favorite movie the right way. No wonder he can’t remember how many medals he has.
BEST: “If I could read women’s minds, I could be the king of the world.”
Here’s how I imagine that working:
WORST: “It might be the same place, it might be the same table, but it’s a different girl.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA! He takes all of his dates to the same sushi place.
Oh man, Lochte, you are my hero.
This episode ends with Ryan paying up his bet to Devon, which means Gene laughs hysterically at Lochte using Devon’s toothbrush to detail the rims.
But that’s the LOCHTE WAY!
Check back next week, where Ryan Lochte visits Washington, D.C. and has a healthy discussion with some girls about Obamacare.
“JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!”
Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”
Episode One – “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two – “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three – “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four – “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five – “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six – “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven – “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight – “Lochte Spring Break”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.
If you wish you could read women’s minds, then check out our Facebook page and/or follow me on Twitter @dirtyofthesouth
I didn’t watch it but that was ridiculously funny.