Summer is fast approaching, which means no school, BBQs, and nice warm days. But beware of the extreme summer heat – it’s going to get you if you’re not careful! However, do not fear, since I have the perfect antidote to combat against heat strokes. It’s a little thing called the popsicle. Yep…summer time is popsicle time, people!

To the average popsicle consumer that answer seems simple, but what the average consumer doesn’t understand is there are many different types of popsicles. With the economy in shambles and Al Gore (inventor of the Internet) throwing global warming around, now it is more important than ever to be buying the right type of popsicle. Let’s take a virtual tour down the frozen food aisle.

Know your popsicles or you could get burned

The O.G. Popsicle aka the “Two-Stick”

This Popsicle has been around for ages. It’s as classic as the Trans AM with flavors like “the red kind,” “light blue,” and many people’s favorite: “root beer.” There is no wonder why this classic Popsicle is such a crowd pleaser.

The great advantage of this popsicle is the definitely the double sticks. Just knock this treat against a square counter top and this Popsicle easily goes from a single serving to something great to share with a friend.

FUN FACT: the twin Popsicle was invented during the Great Depression so kids could share with one another.

At times these Popsicle’s have hilarious jokes written on them. It’s like they’re the fortune cookie for the summer. For example, “How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?” The answer, “It was a fish tank.”

Why wouldn’t you want material like that in your stash of jokes?

Another great reason the Two-Stick has been so successful is because they are so cheap. You can feed a small village for under 10 bucks. The Two-Stick is a must have for any family that buys Western Family products.

Final Grade: A-

Slow Melt Fantastic Fruity™ aka The “High Roller” Popsicle:

The “Ice Pop” Popsicle has been featured more often then the Scarface DVD on MTV Cribs. This popsicle is for people who like to think of themselves as “ballers,”

“This Bud…I mean this Popsicle’s for you.”

The Slow Melts tend to be a bit more flavorful than other popsicles, but that extra flavor is gonna cost a pretty penny. However, it’s not all gravy for the “Ice Pop,” there is a serious draw back: the wrapper. To illustrate it’s elite status among popsicles, they use a plastic paper wrapper, which can bleed into the sickle and often makes it taste funny.

Also, the plastic paper can get frozen to the popsicle. You have a better chance of getting those dang DVD security stickers off than getting the paper off your poor freezer burned ‘sicle. But overall, the Slow Melt is a solid treat.

Final Grade: B

The Rainbow Popsicle aka The “Great Bambino”

This mega-popsicle is not for the weak at heart. Be ready for a battle full of brain freezes and sticky fingers. The Rainbow has personality, is customizable, and comes in different shapes and flavors. (Sponge Bob, Fourth of July, and Hello Kitty, just to name a few.) If you see someone devouring a Rainbow Pop you know they mean business. It’s got more flavors than a packet of Macaroni.

I am not even sure you can buy the Rainbow at the store. I think they only sell these bad boys on the streets from a “dealer” aka The Ice Cream Man and on Indian Reservations. The Rainbow Pop will cost a few Washingtons, but believe me…it’s well worth it.

A nice Rainbow Pop and a nap is a wonderful way to spend an afternoon.

Final Grade: A+

The Otter Pop aka “Cousin to the Popsicle”

OK, before I get tons of backlash on this, I know that the Otter pop is not an official Popsicle, but to exclude the Otter Pop from our list would be like excluding the drummer of Def Leopard from the list of famous one-armed drummers. The Otter Pop has many delicious flavors. Grape is one of my favorites, and it reminds me of Dimetapp Cough Syrup, which I loved as a kid. (I have been known to fake sick just to get some and stay home from school for the day.)

There is one obvious flaw to the Otter Pop: opening it up. The first way – aka “the normal way” – goest like this: 1) walk to the cupboard, 2) get some scissors out of the cupboard, and 3) cut the top off of the Otter Pop.

Well, because I am to lazy to do it “the normal way” I have my own way: “the lazy way.” Just bite the top off and enjoy. To change it’s physical properties from a frozen state to a more slushy state, you can smash the Otter Pop on the counter for a softer and tastier treat. A friendly reminder: make sure that you throw away your plastic wrappers. If your mom finds too many wrappers around she’ll threaten to never buy them again.

Final Grade: B+ 

I hope enjoyed the list, but more importantly I hope you enjoy a few delicious Popsicles this summer.