What are the right reasons for wanting to compete on the Bachelorette? We’re like, what…27 seasons in on this show and I still have NO CLUE. No seriously, someone please tell me. In week two of The Bachelorette, Desiree and the lucky Bachelors attempt to answer this question…by rapping. I can think of all the right reasons why this is a horrible idea.

To support them in their rapping endeavor we get a special guest appearance from hip-hop “artist” Soulja Boy. You might know him from his many hits like “Crank That” and… … … …well, “Crank That” was pretty good, right guys?

He helps Des and the gang make a rap video called “Right Reasons” and coincidentally creates the biggest affront to hip-hop since RiFF RaFF’s Sleepless in Seattle.

How do you get worse than RiFF RaFF, you ask?

Just dress a bunch of white dudes up in silly costumes. Take a look:

Ok, I’ll wait a second why you go flush out your eyes. I know…it can’t be unseen, people.

Each of the Bachelors were dressed up to mock past contestants like Wes Hayden, Justin Rego, and perhaps the most awkward Bachelor of all-time: Kasey Kahl. They even had one of the Bachelors dressed up in an armored knight costume, supposedly mocking Diogo…who was just sent home last week. Wow, no “too soon?” here at all.

Desiree claims to come from a pretty rough upbringing and yet her ability to be “ghetto” is even less than Paris Hilton’s. Sadly though, she is probably the best rapper in the video, and yes Soulja Boy…I’m looking at you too.

He actually says these words:

“You look pensive baby, maybe you should go and do some contemplating.”

Who wrote this rap…Soulja Boy? Oh wait, he probably did.

Chris Harrison doesn’t even try to rap, which was maybe the biggest disappointment of the entire video. And even though Will (yes, the only black guy on the show) couldn’t dance, Mikey in the the “I Heart Dad” t-shirt was BRINGING IT HARD.

Worst rapper (in a landslide) goes to James:

Now, for the Bachelors who left us:

Will

Grade: F

I don’t mean to be racist, but Will should have torn this rap video up! And instead his only line in the show was “Dancing is my kryptonite.” Dude, you are black and you yoga! That’s like a Brazilian saying “Oh man, soccer? No, I try and avoid that.”

Ok whatever, he is a banker, but man…no excuses for that. Good call, Des.

Robert

Grade: F

Apparently girls live by a “bro code” as well:

Apparently even a “Hemsworth” brother’s good looks won’t be enough to save you if you happen to be Desiree’s friend’s ex-boyfriend. Way to fail, Bachelorette casting department.

However, what a boss move by Robert, who didn’t immediately recognize Desiree despite the fact that she repeatedly asks him if they know each other.

Couldn’t she have kept him around just a little bit longer for the rest of us?!? #selfish

Nick M.

Grade: F

Nick is probably going to hate the Bachelorette for life considering he left his work, family, and friends to come on this journey to find love and ended up hanging out in a mansion with a bunch of PMS-ing bros. To make it worse, even the most devout fans of the show couldn’t remember who he was when he didn’t get that rose.

Ouch. Dems da breaks, son.

Only Robert will be missed.

Let’s check out the Bachelors who received a rose from Desiree:

Ben

Grade: A

Now I know what everyone’s thinking: “That ‘A’ better stand for something else!” but hear me out, people. Yes, Ben caused quite a bit of drama this week, but if you look closely you’ll see that the “grievous” acts Ben committed were nothing:

1) Ben told the guys he was focused on getting a rose.
2) He interrupted Michael G.’s time with Desiree in order to spend more time with her (and considering the topic of conversation, I really doubt she minded. *see Michael G.).
3) Ben asked for a kiss, which is the wussiest thing a man can do, but hey, at least she said yes.

He even kept a level head when confronted by a disgruntled Mikey and Michael G. so ten points for Ben!

These are all legit Bachelorette tactics. Remember, it’s a contest! However, I am mildly suspicious that Ben is a robot (Now that I have said that, you’ll notice his emotionless eyes as well) and so I am expecting a major malfunction in the weeks to come.

Brooks

Grade: A

His lack of douchebaggery this week was actually astounding to me. He rolled with Desiree’s “jump into marriage” first date astoundingly well.

Still, I have some qualms when it comes to Brooks.

1) He was pretty quick to follows Desiree’s command to move the “Road Closed” sign so they could drive on a blocked off road in a sketchy neighborhood. A real man would need a sound reason to move that sign, not just a pretty girl telling him to.

2) I don’t know whose hair is worse, his or Ben’s from Season 16 of The Bachelor.

Bryden

Grade: A

Bryden really stepped up his game this week. I thought for sure he was gonna skate by on the “Iraq War Veteran” pass like Barney on How I Met Your Mother would, but it turns out that Bryden actually has a personality. His only downside thus far is his “Dumb and Dumber” hairstyle, but Des is super into guys with horrible hair.

To each her own, I suppose.

Zak with a K

Grade: B

The biggest surprise of the night was that Zak with a K (not be confused with Zack K.) wore a shirt the entire show! And…he has feelings! I did not see this one coming, folks. He said that his shirtlessness was in reference to her last relationship with Sean, which makes zero sense.

Let’s all just be grateful that it seems to be a thing of the past for now. Also, he got major bonus points for the dramatic raincoat hood switch around moment he got in the Rap video.

Drew

Grade: B

He did not get much air time this week, but there was a moment they showed him talking to Desiree and he was cuddling with her! I bethe ran to his room directly afterwards and wrote:

“The butterflies in my stomach were dancing an Irish Jig! But I did it, Diary. I touched her knee!”

Juan Pablo

Grade: B

His dancing in the “Right Reasons” video was hi-larious…and shirtless. This is a surprisingly wonderful combination when you’re Juan Pablo.

At some point he finally taught Desiree how to actually say his name, so I’d say things are getting pretty serious.

Brian

Grade: B

He had a chance to sit down with Desiree and have a very normal boring talk. Did no one tell him he was on The Bachelorette?! Where’s the drama? Where are all the deep confessions? Come on Brian, give me something to watch.

James

Grade: C

“Roses are red, violets are blue… and none of you are getting a rose.”

Let me help you out James. Here are some possible endings that actually rhyme:

“Des, you’re so fly you should be my boo.”

“My arms are thick and my neck is too.”

“One kiss with my you’ll be saying Sean who?”

and those are right off the top of my head. #amateur

#Kasey

Grade: C

Is it wrong that I was disappointed by his lack of #hashtags? You were the hashtag guy Kasey! Remember who you are! #forgetful #dontletithappenagain

Dan

Grade: C

I know that Dan was in that horrible rap video somewhere, yet I have no idea which one he is. His future self will be infinitely grateful for that while his Bachelorette self is getting lost in the crowd. Big mistake.

Zack

Grade: C

As was Zack. Step up your game guys, or get some drama lessons from Mikey and Michael G. Seriously, on his bio it says this:

Most Outrageous Thing Ever Done: Went to Europe for a month on six days notice.

This could have easily been brought up with a story about how you did it to “get away from your abusive parents” and you’d have roses for the next five weeks.

Brad

Grade: C

Didn’t go on any of the dates and still managed to get a rose. Skill? Or is Brad just an easy name to remember when you’re put on the spot, Desiree?

Chris

Grade: C

See Brad, above.

Brandon

Grade: D

Brandon spent most of the rap video forgetting his lines and jiggling his junk in Desiree’s face. The best part of all of it was that they didn’t even use that scene in the video, so way to go, Brandon! You got to make a fool of yourself on national television and it didn’t even involve you being in a Soulja Boy video.

Brandon decides to use his one-on-one time with Desiree to tell her all about his absentee father, drug addict mother, and the young family he raised himself while missing out on high school.

“Well, at least we’d always be at my house for Christmas,” thought Desiree.

And now Brandon is “falling in like” with her. Sean Lowe couldn’t but “zing” him via Twitter:

 

Michael G.

Grade: D

Michael G. has a flair for being unnecessarily dramatic, which makes him a wonderful Bachelorette contestant but kind of a horrible human being. It all starts with him pledging to Desiree that he will be her mole in the house because he is the new authority on “Right Reasons.” He then repeatedly accused Ben of lying, but what exactly Ben lied about nobody can know for sure. But Michael G. knows.

The ultimate “Michael G.’s Most Unnecessarily Dramatic Moment” goes to…The Diabetes Confession! Here’s what Desiree was probably thinking:

Michael G: There’s something about me, it’s like a big part of my life and it’s something I want to talk to you about a little bit…

Desiree: Oh great, another guy with a kid…

Michael G: It goes back to when I was like 16 years old and the phone rang…

Desiree: Teen pregnancy. Even better…

Michael G: …and it was my mother and she was like, “Michael we need to go to the hospital immediately” and I was like, “mom, what happened?”…

Desiree: Oh dang this is serious. Dead dad? Car accident? Cancer?!

Michael G: …and she was like, “Your blood sugar results came back and your blood sugar was 890.” and so the doctor came and told me that I had Type One Diabetes.

Desiree: [ mental face palm ]

But seriously, Type One Diabetes is a very serious thing. Just ask Wilford Brimley.

Mikey

Grade: D

For a dude named Mikey, he sure likes to talk about his feelings a lot. He is more into developing strong relationships with the other guys in the house than he is in developing a relationship with Desiree. When he wasn’t getting along with Ben, he sat him down to have a quick manly talk about his feelings that ended in him complimenting his shoes. Don’t get me wrong, my friends and I do that all the time. I get it. But I’m a chick.

You may remember the moment during the Rose Ceremony when Michael G. and a couple of the unknowns cornered Ben outside to talk about their feelings some more. Mikey came out of the darkness from nowhere and I was 75% positive he was about to jump Ben. Unfortunately, that did not happen and Mikey was not able to earn his man card back.

Next week we learn which of these Bachelors left a girlfriend back home!

**SPOILER ALERT** I’m gonna go ahead and guess all of them. But only one will get caught and we will all judge him shamelessly. Don’t miss it!

Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!

Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:

Episode 1 – Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 – All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 – Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 – Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 – Munich
Episode 6 – James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 – Fantasy Island
Episode 8 – Hometown Dates
Episode 9 – Men Tell All
Episode 10 – He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 – The Final Rose

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.

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