Why do men go to war? Sometimes it’s for power and fame. Other times it’s for wealth. And sometimes it’s for love, but only if she’s really hot. In this episode of The Bachelorette, we have a whole lotta fightin’ going on, and it’s up to Desiree to make sense of it all.

“We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong.
Searchin’ our hearts for so long, both of us knowing…
…Love Is A Battlefield”

You’re telling me, Pat Benatar, but are any of these Bachelors listening to you? Of course not. Most of these guys grew up listening to LFO and Sugar Ray.

“Ten Men Enter, Five Men Leave”

Our first competition sees the blue and red Bachelor teams compete in the dodge ball battle dome for a chance to spend more precious minutes with Desiree. Since none of them grew up playing dodge ball in elementary school P.E., they are treated to a crash course in dodge ball throwing by the National Dodge Ball team.

And it goes about as awesome as you’d expect.

Seriously, why the entire two hours wasn’t devoted to seeing the Bachelors getting DOMINATED by the National Dodge Ball Team is beyond me.

“Lying, Cheating, Deceitful Pig”

While some of the Bachelors are dealing with death and people abandoning them, Bachelor Brian has to deal with someone who’s very alive and right in front of his face – his kind of, sort of girlfriend Stephanie.

And yes, the best place he could think of to hide from her was on national television.

“How The West Was Won”

Some of Bachelors traveled to the Old West, where they did some fake fighting for a chance to watch the movie trailer for The Lone Ranger with Desiree. But it was the EXTENDED trailer, people, so totally worth it.

And who wins? Some Venezuelan dude named Juan Pablo who has no earthly idea who the Lone Ranger is.

“Farewell, Testicles”

Let’s also have a moment of silence to remember the death of a very important species:

But at least nutters are alive and well, right?

THIS MEANS WAR!

Here are the Bachelors that left us this week:

Dan

Grade: F

Well, at least we finally know who Dan is. He’s the guy that split his pants open and then gave Desiree a box of pizza with a cheesy pick up line (pun intended). Dan, for your sake I hope you did not choose to watch this season. If he did he’d probably be like “Oh yeah, I was on that show too!”

Brandon

Grade: F

Question: What can you do with a guy with severe abandonment issues that falls in love with you after knowing you for three weeks? Answer: Let them down easy and hope he doesn’t become a serial killer.

“I’m NEVER going to hurt you.”

…said every mass murderer to their victims.

Desiree actually did Brandon a favor. Can you imagine his reaction if he had made it to the final two and not been given the final rose? Lots and lots of people would’ve died.

Brian

Grade: F

The man with a secret girlfriend back home. A secret girlfriend who is also a single mother. A secret girlfriend that he hooked up with two days prior to leaving for The Bachelorette… errr, I mean a “business trip.” Last week Brian left me begging for drama and this week, boy did he deliver!

The best part of the entire confrontation with his obviously insane girlfriend Stephanie had to be the following-

Brian: “She threw rocks at my face!”

Stephanie: “I did throw rocks at you ‘cause you’re a jerk!”

Well done, Stephanie. Well done.

Now, the class rankings for the Bachelors that Desiree kept around for one more week:

#Kasey

Grade: A

While Kasey seems to be in the middle of an #identity #crisis (#notahastaginsight), he managed to snag the one-on-one date with Desiree this week. He kind of jinxed himself by starting out with the proud statement, “Nothing could ruin my day!”

The Dating Gods shouted:

His date is initially postponed while Desiree and Chris deal with all of Brian’s various #whoredoms with his crazy ex-girlfriend. When they finally get to their date, they are forced to do one of the most awful things known to man: building dancing. Seriously, whatever happened to just dinner and a movie? They could even have watched the movie on the side of the building if ABC needed to “super date size” it.

Whilst building dancing, Des may or may not have peed her pants because, building dancing. They finally sit down to enjoy a nice relaxing dinner and a freak wind storm hits. Dude, Kasey – what god did you piss off? I bet it was Poseidon…he HATES hashtags.

Amidst all that chaos Kasey still managed to get himself a kiss and a rose. #kaseyforthewin

Drew

Grade: A

In one fluid motion he owned Chris with a dodge ball and sealed the blue team’s first win. And, yeah…that’s pretty much it. But it was epic.

“We went BALLS to the wall.” – Drew

“Yep, NAILED that pun” – also Drew

Chris

Grade: A

While he did get owned by Drew in one fluid motion and ultimately lost the epic dodge ball battle, he did win some one-on-one time with Desiree at yet another private concert. They danced and kissed while all the other guys from the date watched from the rooftop.

It does not get much more romantic than that. You know…a bunch of other guys watching you kiss someone. #romance

Bryden

Grade: A

Bryden gets one million points this week for finally combing his hair to the side. Oh, and also he can really work the whole cowboy thing.

Juan Pablo

Grade: A

Everything Juan Pablo does is adorable and that is a fact. Did you see his reaction when they brought out the horses? Priceless.

Me gusta Juan Pablo. Mucho. That means “I like him very much” in Mexican, or whatever.

Zack

Grade: B

Zack won the last game for the blue team and from the looks of it that was kind of a big deal. Enter Ben to steal his thunder.

Maybe next week they will actually let Zack speak on camera.

James

Grade: B

James lacks confidence and he has a sick father, so he got a pity rose this week. Nice move for now James, but what are you gonna come up with next week? Fingers crossed he has an ailing grandparent that’s about ready to kick the bucket.

Side note: Did anyone else notice when the guys were all sitting around dogging on Brian and James said:

“We all had to leave behind friends and family, daughters, sons…”

No one has mentioned a daughter thus far. Either another bomb will be dropped on Desiree or that was a passive aggressive move aimed at Ben calling his son a sissy. We will see.

Brad

Grade: C

Speaking of bombs being dropped, we have another single dad in our midst. Poor Brad must have been kicking himself when he saw Ben’s son Brody get out of that limo. But hey, at least now he gets to play the “I’m-not-into-exploiting-my-child” card, so “checkmate,” Ben.

His also talks about how his ex is an alcoholic, and then crosses into oversharing mode when he casually mentions his arrest for domestic violence. I’m sure it was a total misunderstanding. She probably ran into a doorknob.

This may very well be Brad’s last week on the show.

Ben

Grade: C

I am still really confused as to why all the guys hate Ben so much. Sure, he snuck off and had some alone time with Desiree and didn’t tell the other guys about it. But if he had told the other guys about it, they would have still been upset with him for lying. It’s a vicious cycle. I mean, how many times can Michael G. and Mikey take him outside for a talk? And when is someone going to man up and tell what exactly he is lying about?!

That being said, Ben gets a ‘C’ this week for wearing the same douchebaggy tank top that Ryan rocked on Emily’s season of the Bachelorette. Not a good sign.

Zak with a K

Grade: C

Zak with a K apparently tried to kiss Desiree on their group date while dressed as a cowboy, but she was horribly confused and it didn’t work out. ABC, why were we not shown this footage? What could possibly be so confusing about leaning in for a kiss?

After Zak and a K and Des discuss this hi-larious miscommunication, Zak with a K still leaves with no kiss. And we all know Desiree is not stingy with her kisses. Yeah, not even a “haha, hey that was funny, now let’s do it right” kiss. Ouch. That “K” obviously doesn’t stand for “kiss” AM I RIGHT!!!

Brooks

Grade: D+

Brooks somehow dislocated his finger playing dodge ball by bending down to pick up a ball. Now I suppose that could have been editing, but still no excuse. He is such a pansy that when they put his finger back in place he passes out and has to be taken to the ER. The suddenly he’s hooked up to a million IVs and machines like he’s an extra in that Contagion movie.

It was a finger. Man up, Brooks!

That being said, he gets the “+” for showing up at the end of the date completely jacked up on painkillers to make out with Desiree. Impressive.

Michael G. and Mikey

Yes, they are now a couple.

Grade: D

We get it “the Mikes,” you don’t like Ben. You know who else doesn’t like Ben? Other straight guys. You’re not trying to date him, bros. Why do you both need to team up against him? It’s not working and so far Ben is OWNING both of you. And why do you both have matching shirts – are you going to Homecoming together?

Mikey, you keep promising me action:

“Sometimes when talking doesn’t work, the only option is to get physical.” – Mikey

…and yet you never deliver. Did you mean “get physical” in the Olivia Newton-John sort of way because that’s about the level of gay that you’re acting. I am a Ben fan, but I would gladly watch Mikey punch him in the face if it meant that he and Michael G. would quit talking about their feelings.

Maybe that could be the next group date.

Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!

Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:

Episode 1 – Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 – All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 – Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 – Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 – Munich
Episode 6 – James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 – Fantasy Island
Episode 8 – Hometown Dates
Episode 9 – Men Tell All
Episode 10 – He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 – The Final Rose

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.

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