By now our Bachelor Juan Pablo is moving at a comfortable speed down the highway of finding true love. He’s probably jamming out to some Venezuelan house music with Ca-MEEE-la dancing in the back seat, wondering when she gets to meet her new mommy. He waves to a group of beautiful, adoring female fans on his way to soccer practice. Life couldn’t be any more bueno.

That is, until he drives a little too fast into the parking lot and hits a group of men…who all happen to be gay.

Well, at least that’s how it probably felt for Juan Pablo this week after the backlash from his interview with The TV Page, where he apparently made some not-so-bueno comments about the possibility of a gay Bachelor.

“Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up. Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples. … Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed. … It is confusing in a sense. But I respect them because they want to have kids. They want to be parents. So it is a scale. … Where do you put it on the scale? Where is the thin line to cross or not? You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.”

I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch (gay relationships) on TV. It would be more pervert in a sense.”

I’m going to be honest here:

1) I’ve gone over the first part of that quote at least a dozen times and I still have no idea what he’s talking about, so it’s hard to get “outraged” or whatever. No seriously…I’ve read spam e-mails from Nigerian princes that are better examples of the English language than that.

2) Look at what part of the world he’s from. If he really meant it could you blame him? Unless you’re from one of the big cities, then Venezuela is basically influenced by two main things: Catholicism and male chauvinism. Both are not gay-friendly. Just be thankful Juan Pablo isn’t from Russia. They don’t even want gay Olympians.

3) There’s probably already at least been some gay contestants on the Bachelor/Bachelorette. And yes, Drew…I’m looking at you.

4) There’s obviously a huge language barrier, so some words Juan Pablo says probably don’t mean what he thinks they mean.

“The word pervert was not what I meant to say and I am very sorry about it. Everyone knows English is my second language and my vocabulary is not as broad as it is in Spanish and, because of this, sometimes I use the wrong words to express myself. What I meant to say was that gay people are more affectionate and intense and for a segment of the TV audience this would be too racy to accept. The show is very racy as it is and I don’t let my 5 year old daughter watch it. Once again, I’m sorry for how my words were taken. I would never disrespect anyone.” – Juan Pablo, backpedaling

Don’t you remember the scene in Better Off Dead between Lane and that French chick?

It can happen.

5) This…

6) Perhaps Juan Pablo foresaw potential issues with some of the houseguests.

And really, when you found out the next Bachelor was going to be a former soccer player who salsa dances, loves to cook, and who’s name was Juan Pablo, don’t act like you didn’t at least ask the question.

Ok, so what happened this week!?

Cassandra’s Wild Ride(s)

So far all we know about Cassandra is that she’s a former NBA dancer AND has a 2-year old son named Trey. I’m not saying to put two-and-two together, but if Shawn Kemp, Calvin Murphy or Larry Johnson were your favorite players then you’ve probably already jumped to several conclusions.

Cassandra danced for the Detroit Pistons where she presumably met her baby daddy and Pistons shooting guard, Rodney Stuckey. I’m not sure what the policy is for NBA players dating the team’s cheerleaders, but judging by how much she giggles and the fact that she’s a FORMER dancer, I can only assume that her and Rodney weren’t technically “dating.”

Cassandra and Renee are also very confident that Juan Pablo will “work quickly to determine his feelings for them” since they are both single mothers. The second he doesn’t see potential he will send one of the home. However, things must move a little slower in Venezuela. It’s Week 3 and Cassandra finally gets to spend one on one time with him, while all Renee has accomplished is comforting some drunk Brazilian chick in a bathroom stall. This also assumes that all the other girls will have their emotions toyed with, be strung along for weeks, and eventually dumped because…fairness.

In keeping with Cassandra’s Detroit ties, Juan Pablo introduces her to his new car for their date.

“I’ve never seen a car that looks like this!” – Cassandra

So in other words, Cassandra has never seen a Jeep.

Cassandra suddenly turns into a five-year-old when she can’t stop guessing what they’re going to do for their date:

“Are we going off-roading???
“Oh, look at that boat! I wanna go on it!!!!!”
“I love paddle boarding! Are we doing that???”

Seriously Cass, stop guessing. I’m surprised she didn’t ask “are we there yet?” or needed a potty stop.

Now, unbeknownst to Cassandra, but beknownst to Juan Pablo, this is no ordinary Jeep. It’s a creatively-named “water car” because it drives on the road but also goes on water. It’s basically what James Bond would buy if Moneypenny ever shared her copy of Skymall magazine.

Despite all the fun they’re having, Cassandra can only giggle (a lot) and appears very nervous, but there’s a reason for that:

“I haven’t had a first date since I was 18 years old.” – Cassandra

And she repeats this fact about ten times during their date, which she probably shouldn’t have done because it forced me to do some simple math. If her son is two and she’s 21, then that means:

A) She started dating Rodney when she was 18, they had a deep, loving relationship, had Trey, and then broke up shortly thereafter but still remain great, close friends.
B) She had a date with some guy, then hooked up with Rodney for a one-nighter, had Trey, and hasn’t dated since.
C) She hooked up with A LOT of the Detroit Pistons and eventually found out the father was Rodney Stuckey.
D) The kid isn’t Stuckey’s, but he really wants to beat Calvin “Pocket Rocket” Murphy’s record of 14 kids with nine women so he told Cassandra he’d pose in the family photo with her.

I’m guessing it’s somewhere in the middle, particularly after Cassandra revealed her true feelings for Juan Pablo:

“The last time I felt this way about a guy was…never.” – Cassandra

So in other words, Cassandra has stronger feelings for a guy who just drove a car right into the ocean than someone she had a child with. HASHTAG makes sense

Juan Pablo brings her back to his place to cook her dinner.

“The last time a guy cooked for me was…never.” – Cassandra

I’m beginning to think that she’s NEVER dated in her entire life. A lot of “firsts” tonight for Cassandra. Juan Pablo can tell she’s still nervous, so he attempts to make her feel more comfortable with an improptu salsa dance. Let’s just say I think there are other reasons she’s a FORMER NBA dancer besides hooking up with the Pistons players.

Their date felt like those high school relationships where the cool senior guy goes after the hot freshman chick. She goes along with whatever he says, giggles a lot, makes out with him whenever he pleases, and at the end of the night he knows NOTHING about her. The only thing I learned about Cassandra from this date is that she really likes coconut.

Juan Pablo wondered why Trey wasn’t in school yet (he’s two), but admired Cassandra for wanting to be an overprotective mom.

“So where’s your son right now?”
“Uhhh, not sure because I’m on The Bachelor.”

AYYYYYYYYY, Cassandra.

The (More) Beautiful Game

The last time we saw Juan Pablo on a soccer field it started out fantastic but ended very, very badly. And no, I’m not talking about his 2008 with season with Miami FC.

If you remember last season on The Bachelorette, Juan Pablo led the bachelors with two quick goals against a professional women’s team who eventually destroyed them 50-2. To make matters worse, he also did not receive a rose from Desiree during that rose ceremony. Juan Pablo had been defeated at his own game. This group date was perhaps a chance to put those soccer demons behind him, while also a wonderful opportunity to watch a bunch of hot chicks try and play his favorite sport.

The date doesn’t start off well when all the girls show up wearing eye black.

“No, esss not FOOTball, ess is fútbol, ladies. Ayyyyy never mind.” – Juan Pablo, in his head

Yeah ladies. Newb, much?

Even though he hasn’t played soccer professionally in years, Juan Pablo still holds soccer close to his heart.

“I gave up soccer when my daughter was born. I want the girls to know who I am.” – Juan Pablo

However, Juan Pablo seemed WAAAAY more excited that he got to scrimmage with some of the LA Galaxy players than his group date with ten women. This either proves how much he loves soccer, or that he knows he can basically go out with ten women ANYTIME HE WANTS. Yeah, that’s called “Every Thursday” in Miami.

Some of the athletic girls seem excited, especially Alli, who’s played soccer her entire life.  Others, like Kelly, were less optimistic:

“Do I look athletic at all? Worst case scenario – I fall and break a leg.” – Kelly

Juan Pablo puts all the ladies through some simple practice drills.

Sharleen – the GERMAN – has never played and can only kick with her right foot. Frankly, I’m more surprised at this than Lucy being able to keep her clothes on during the match. Sharleen is more worried about the ball hurting her. Alli comforts her that it won’t “unless you get kicked in the face.”

I predict this is foreshadowing. [**SPOILER ALERT** It is.]

Don’t worry about Sharleen, though. It’s not the last time her face gets attacked on the soccer field during this group date.

At the cocktail party the champagne was flowing and the girls got to spend some quality time with Juan Pablo. Nikki told him she was scared of “getting hurt,” Alli mentioned she wants “four or five kids,” and Desiree said that she was “adopted when she was two days old.” I’m honestly not sure Juan Pablo even understood what they were talking about, but he looked interested enough not to kiss any of them.

Andi received the most romantic kiss of the night.

“Today it got serious for me. I really want love.” – Andi

…says the girl who just made out with a guy in the same place they cook corn dogs.

Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to the middle of the soccer field where all the other girls can see them. He clearly forgot about the shirtless advice he received from Bachelor-god Sean: “IF YOU KISS SOMEONE, DON’T LET THE OTHER GIRLS SEE YOU.”

“You got class. I like that.” – Juan Pablo, on Sharleen

He probably wanted to make sure she ended up having a good experience, but messing with the minds of nine other already unstable women is the worst way to go about it. I don’t care how many penalties have been called on this soccer field – this one was the worst.

And by “the worst” I’m clearly referring to Sharleen’s awkward lip movements during their kiss. It looked like Juan Pablo was trying to kiss a robot. So yeah, he basically made out with C3PO.

And who got the rose in the end? Nikki, because…logic.

I told you Juan Pablo sucks at giving out group date roses.

Chelsie, Date-ly

ABC could have just shown 15 minutes of Chelsie and Juan Pablo dancing in the car to Venezuelan music and the ratings would have skyrocketed.

They could have also added some bonus footage of them stuffing their face with some traditional Venezuelan food.

“Now you’re speaking my language!” Chelsie, while eating something that was filled with cheese.

These are things that normal people do on dates.

All of this was clearly the calm before the storm. In this case, the storm was a gigantic bridge that they were forced to tandem bungee jump off of.

Needless to say, Chelsie looked terrified. Yep, where’s your air maracas now?

You know she’d eventually do it, but it felt like an eternity waiting for Chelsie to work up the courage. It would be like taking your daughter to get her ears pierced…but times a thousand.

After the jump they kissed upside down like Spiderman. Chelsie appreciates Juan Pablo for talking her into jumping off a bridge, which goes against all the peer pressure metaphors your parents ever taught you.

“If you don’t trust someone then you can’t do the important things like have kids and be each other’s best friend. If we can jump off a bridge together we can pretty much get through anything” – Chelsie

Chelsie says that “not being happy” is her biggest fear

At dinner they’re serenaded by country singer Billy Currington, who is probably Jesse Eisenberg’s older brother.

Ironically the first line to his song “Hey Girl” is “…what’s your name girl?” which is probably a shout-out to Juan Pablo’s issues with remembering other people’s names.

But he probably won’t forget Chelsie’s anytime soon.

“She is wife material.” – Juan Pablo

“Everybody In The Pool!”

Juan Pablo shows up early to make a surprise breakfast for the ladies, but secretly he just wants to see them without makeup on or their hair done. Kelly is the first one downstairs since she has to take Molly for a walk. She covers her face like she had just been arrested for child pornography.

“My grandmother says you never let a man see you without your face on.” – Kelly

Which means her grandmother was either a circus clown or one of the original butterfaces.

The girls come down one by one, each looking more done up than the last. Juan Pablo is just excited to see everyone in their “pee-yamas.” I was waiting for Lucy to walk into the kitchen buck naked, pour herself a cup of coffee, and then just glance over to Juan Pablo with a “hey” and a head nod.

However, to her credit she did fight the clothing part a little bit.

Juan Pablo decides to go “casual Friday” and make it a pool party instead of the traditional formal cocktail party. Lucy cannot wait to do cannon balls and flips, while ALL the other girls want another opportunity to see Juan Pablo without his shirt on.

“This pool party has two of my favorite things: Juan Pablo and his sexy body.” – Clare

Technically those are the same thing.

Kat is the first one to jump up and straddle Juan Pablo’s head for a game of pool chicken, much to the chagrin of the other ladies.

“There are definitely some girls here who love attention. Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for 20 minutes. There are 14 other girls and you look like a whore.” – Kelly

I’m defending Kat on this one. After all, she did have to run a 5K for her “date” so I think she deserves some crotch time.

Here are the Bachelorettes we said “adiós” to:

Lucy

Occupation: Free Spirit
Hometown: Santa Barbara, CA

I’m now convinced that Lucy is really just homeless and signed up for The Bachelor so that she would have a place to crash for a while. Aside from their conversation the first night, we never really saw Lucy try to snag some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo, and openly said she would rather go on group dates. America thought her tears were for Juan Pablo, but let’s be real. All that was going through Lucy’s mind as she walked away barefooted was, “But Bed! I thought we had a really great connection. I thought the two of us would be together for a very long time.”

At least Lucy developed positive relationships with the other girls, and probably convinced a few of them to meet up with her for the next Burning Man. Her last wish was that “everyone finds exactly what they are looking for,” but considering they are all looking to marry Juan Pablo, it seems that she’s hoping for The Bachelor to have its first Polyga-finale.

I hope Lucy finds your way on to The Bachelor Pad some day because that ish would be cray. I was also sad she didn’t go Kitty from Arrested Development during the rose ceremony.

Grade: 70 gold stars

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Christy

Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Aurora, IL

Christy honestly believes that she was sent home because she is a closed off person, and that the other women have an easier time opening up. I’m gonna stop you right there Christy, because the most open person on the planet, Lucy, went home the same time you did. You went home because you either seriously hated it there, or you suffer from a severe case of Resting Beezy Face (It’s a thing, look it up).

She couldn’t even say goodbye to Juan Pablo during the rose ceremony, but you could actually see her smile for the first time on the entire show. It was like she was finally freed from this awful, romantic prison.

And you still have horrible taste in dresses.

Grade: F

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These Bachelorettes get to stick around for “Juan” more week:

Alli

Occupation: Nanny
Hometown: Orland Park, IL

Alli was so super jazzed to shine on the soccer date this week because she’s only played soccer for like her whole life. Alli did seem to play pretty well, but to be fair Amanda Byne’s would have passed for a “great” soccer player in comparison to the talent that was on that field. Come on…we all saw She’s the Man, right?

Grade: B

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Andi

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If you want a rose from Special K, then check out Hello, Loser on Facebook